One year later...

Today marks a year since Jacob had his eye removed. It was only our second time at The Royal London Hospital but definitely the scariest so far. Because Jacob was having an actual operation, it meant he was last on the morning list so wouldn't be going down to theatre until around 11am. Mr Reddy, the Rb consultant came to see us in the morning and explained what would happen, then they drew a smiley face over Jacobs right eye so they knew which one would be being removed. The smiley face was a bit ironic really because nothing about the day was worth smiling about. I had absolutely dreaded this since the week before when they told us it would be happening, I was convinced that it would be a different baby coming back and I just felt that it was my fault and I hadn't made him right. Like I'd made a faulty baby. I was so scared about how he'd look, which is awful, but I was so worried about what other people would say and the fact that he is too young to defend himself. I just didn't want him to feel any different to any other children as he grew up. When Jacob went down to theatre, after leaving him there, I felt this huge sense of relief come over me, it was so strange, but it was like I'd realised that a huge bit of the cancer would be gone. The nurses told us he would be gone a good hour and a half so we went down to the restaurant, which is where my crumble obsession started. The wait felt like forever, we sat in our room for what felt like hours. When they called for him to be collected from recovery, I was so scared. I just didn't know what to expect. He was really dosed up on morphine so wasn't awake, and they wheeled him round on a recovery bed. He looked so tiny laying on there. The bandage covered his whole right eye. It was huge. They took us to the ward upstairs as we were staying overnight, our first of many overnight stays! Jacob was so out of it all night, my mum popped to see us in the evening and just started crying as soon as she saw him. I don't think anybody was quite prepared for how big this operation really was. And he was so tiny at the time, it was quite scary. I slept in the cot with him all night, which was not comfortable but I didn't want to leave his side. He just held my finger all night and every few hours the nurses would come in and top up his pain relief. Rich wasn't supposed to stay, but the nurses didn't say anything so he camped out on a chair and stayed all night. The next morning Jacob was more with it, and when he woke up properly and looked straight at us, it was priceless. He'd never really looked at us before and looking back through photos from before his op, he was never ever looking at the camera. It was really amazing to finally have him see us properly. The doctors said we probably would have been out of focus before and he could never really fix on anything so I can't imagine how it must have felt for him too. 

We went down for breakfast, which was such a disaster, to begin with one of the chefs gasped at Jacob and his huge bandage and said "Oh what's happened to him!? Is he okay!?" I just looked straight at him and said "he's had his eye removed." He looked really uncomfortable and walked away. The first of many of these situations! Then after we sat down for breakfast, I went to shake up my orange juice, forgetting that I'd already taken the lid off. It was absolutely mortifying. I was covered head to toe in fresh orange juice, WITH BITS! Rich thought it was fantastic. Me, I was wearing a brand new white tshirt, I hadn't bought my shampoo and conditioner with me, let alone a hairbrush and I just wanted to cry. The walk back to our ward from the restaurant wasn't exactly a short one either. To say I got a few funny looks would be an understatement. 

All of my family came to see us that morning and my stepdad and mum was driving us home so everyone thought they'd just come up and wait as we were supposed to be going home at two after Jacob had his dressing removed. Laura and Tara, two of Jacobs nurses came round about midday to remove his dressing. I didn't want to look, I was expecting this big, swollen bruised mess where his eye used to be. But it wasn't too bad at all. The nurses said it actually looked really good compared to how some kids have looked after. Mr Reddy then checked to ensure that it was all as it should be, and then we were allowed home. We got sent home with Jacobs eye kit and a course of antibiotics which were a nightmare to get him to take. It was this bright pink, sticky as hell stuff that had to be kept in the fridge. His eye seemed to heal up quite quickly, it didn't look half as bad as I thought it would, and to be honest, any worries I had about how he'd look were totally wiped out by the fact that he could see. And everytime he looked at us, it was just so amazing that nothing else mattered. Now, the beady eyed little monster doesn't miss a thing!  

Jacob and his ironic smiley face. And the bear my mum had made for him for his operation, it's made of some of his first sleepsuits!

Back from the op, he is so tiny here.

A priceless moment.

Just after the dressing was removed. 

We are still struggling with sleep at the moment, we've managed to drop Jacobs second nap and put him to bed at 7pm but the last few mornings he's been waking again between 4 and 5 and not settling off unless he's in our bed. I'm really hoping it's just a phase and this nap transition is behind it. He has his ony nap from around 11-11.30 until around 1pm, then has lunch. But I'm hoping to push the nap back to more like 12.30pm so he can have lunch then go for a sleep, and that's more in the middle of his day too. I've read that if they're going through a developmental growth spurt, it can disrupt their sleep patterns. I'm not sure how true it is but this week Jacob has learnt how to build his stacking cups. We help a tiny bit, but he manages to put them all on and mostly in the right order! I was so pleased with this, because I was a little bit worried about how his hand eye coordination will develop with just the one eye, but I don't think there's any problem at all. Well I hope not! 

Smartie pants.

Check out the bed head!

We braved the rain again on Tuesday morning and went for a walk in the woods by our house. I didn't take Jacobs stroller and just let him walk, he picks up EVERYTHING! He has a particular obsession with pine cones. He was covered in mud by the time we got home so everything had to go in the wash. I don't mind a bit of dirt to be honest, as long as it can be washed, get muddy. We went again yesterday too, but to feed the ducks this time. He just loves being outside. On Monday when it absolutely chucked it down all day, he stood at the back door crying because he couldn't go outside. I think we are going to need to find a new hobby before the winter hits! 

My little adventurer...

Collecting whatever he can find.

Buds. 

The gruesome twosome on our way home from feeding the ducks.