This is hard work!

I just haven't had the energy to write a blog post this week. And the only reason I'm writing this one is purely so I can moan to someone else about how hideous I feel because I think my family and the few close friends who already know, might just kill me if I moan to them anymore. We found out 3 weeks ago that we are expecting baby number two. While I was absolutely shocked, we hadn't officially started trying and Jacob took a year to conceive, Rich was over the moon. Dont get me wrong, I am so pleased. I always wanted about a two year age gap between Jacob and his sibling, and it probably would have been less if Jacob wasn't poorly. But while being shocked and pleased, all I could think was that I didn't want to feel as sick as I did with Jacob. And silly me, I thought I would get away with the feeling like a sack of crap for 3 months, "every pregnancy is different" and all that! But my god, this time it has been SO much worse. I was quite sick with Jacob, actually throwing up every morning without fail until about 14 weeks in. But by lunchtime, I felt myself again. This time round, it is lasting ALL DAY but I'm not actually being sick. Now, ask anyone who knows me, I am a pathetic ill person. For brief moments I will just get on with it, but since having Jacob, I am truly pathetic. A shame to those mums on the Boots advert that are running around after a sick family while battling the plague themselves. Whether work distracted me last time, or it just wasn't as bad, I honestly don't know how I'm going to get through another possibly 7 weeks of this. I have tried absolutely everything to help, ginger beer, ginger tea, fresh root ginger tea, ginger biscuits, dry crackers, polos, dry toast. Nothing has worked. And the only thing I want to eat is McDonalds fries. Good pregnancy diet. Running around after Jacob has been so hard too, and I have had so many days where I have felt like the worst mother in the world because I've vegetated on the sofa all day. My house is a mess and Jacob is just wreaking havoc. I've spent almost every night crying to Rich about how Jacob must hate me for missing Jo Jingles last week because I felt so ropey, I couldn't face going. Or how he had spaghetti on toast for dinner last night because I felt so sick, I couldn't face cooking anything else. Evidently, Jacob doesn't care because he still smacks me in the face or is my best pal when he gets some chocolate buttons, which has been a lot more often recently!!
Rich has been brilliant the last week or so, before that he just told me to get on with it. It took a full blown crying meltdown for him to realise how rubbish I felt. This is probably my fault for being a pathetic ill person anyway so he probably thought it was nothing different. Except it is, it is like the hangover from hell that lasts for weeks. Everyone says "but it will be worth it." Yes it will, but right now I want to smack you in the face and go cry into my pillow about how tired I am and how all I want to do is enjoy a meal without fear of seeing it in reverse. I honestly think women are amazing for going through this time and time again. I've said a few times that this is the last one now. My mum said if it isn't a girl, I have to keep going until she gets a grandaughter. If they can give her my morning sickness, I'll have ten more! I absolutely loved being pregnant after the sickness passed with Jacob, I really hope this time is the same. I'm worried Jacob is going to start reporting me for neglecting him. We went to Jo Jingles this week, which I'm glad we did because he really seemed to enjoy it this time and toddled off around the soft play after all by himself. He managed to find his way to the huge slide in the middle and went skidding down it on his own. I obviously panicked and was trying to navigate my way through Wild 'n' Wacky at lightening speed, which did nothing but give me a nice bruise on my back where I forgot I am way too big to crawl under one of the gaps to the slide. But turns out there was no need to panic. My little beast didn't even need me. Another reason I cried yesterday. While I have absolutely no intention of publishing this post until after our scan. Its felt good to write it out somewhere else!

CHECT Members Weekend.

So the sleepless nights have continued, and I honestly haven't had the energy to write a blog until now. And to be honest, we haven't done much where Jacob has been so grouchy from lack of sleep, which has therefore made me grouchy. I tried the controlled crying to get Jacob to stay in his cot after coming into our bed for two weeks, on the first night, I gave in after half an hour of absolute blood curdling screams (our neighbours definitely hate us) and on the second night, he went back off on his own after about twenty minutes. But was up at 5.15am. And the next day was a ridiculous o'clock start again. I really don't know which I prefer! In our bed he will sleep until around 7.30am which is glorious, but I get hardly any sleep due to the little size 3 tootsies in my back/ribs/eye.

We went away to the CHECT members weekend this weekend gone and I knew there was no point in taking a travel cot as Jacob wouldn't sleep in one the last time we went away, so we just accepted that he would be sleeping in with us and hope that coming home would be a new start to him sleeping back in his own cot.
The weekend was at the Northamptonshire Billing Aquadrome holiday park. I have never stayed in a caravan in my life so didn't really know what to expect. Sophie, Ross, Teddy, Aaron and Lou came too so we had one of those huge static mobile home things. It was so cold in there! And I didn't really pack as well as I should have, I just launched loads of stuff into a bag and hoped that would do. What I didn't pack, and really wished I did, was socks. I had freezing cold feet both nights. Caravans should carry a cold warning label. Or I should just think about where I'm going and pack more appropriately. 
It was really lovely to see some of the families we've become familiar with over the last year or so. I met a lady at the Carrots Nightwalk last year who's little boy had an enucleation, and she made me feel so much better about the whole situation and I hadn't seen her since so it was really nice to catch up with her too. There was also a family who we last saw when they found out their little girl was to have her eye enucleated, which was obviously a huge day for them, and it turns out they were staying in the caravan next to us which was brilliant. I had asked about their little girl everytime we were at RLH but because of patient confidentiality, they wasn't allowed to tell me how she was doing. But she seemed absolutely amazing, and she really took a shine to Jacob which was adorable. 

The weekend was really overwhelming in a way. It was like everyone had this mutual respect for each other because you all know what the other has been through or is going through. Everyone was so friendly and you all had something to talk about together. 
On Saturday, CHECT arranged for everyone to have dinner together in the main venue and then it was followed by an open mic night. It was amazing. All of the girls, nicknamed the "CHECT Princesses" performed "Let it go" from Frozen, which Jacob was absolutely mesmerised by. They had most of the people in tears, including me obviously. I was sobbing by the end, I had to rush back over to our table to hide because I literally couldn't stop. It was so amazing to see such a brave group of girls. Most of them had an artificial eye, and it made me feel so positive for Jacob. They were so confident. Since Jacob had his eye removed, I constantly think about how he will grow up. Will he be confident? Will he let it hold him back? And if those girls are anything to go by, these kids are so brave, I have nothing to worry about with my little bulldozer. 
The CHECT staff also performed "Like A Prayer" which was brilliant! It wasn't until this weekend that I realised that the charity actually only have 9 members of staff. It is unbelievable how much difference such a small group of people can make to so many families. Lesley, our support worker is like a family member now, she is absolutely amazing and you could ring her up for any little thing and she will always have time for you. Jacob actually held his arms out to her this weekend too which was a big deal! He doesn't go to anybody, so I think she was really pleased! 

We left quite early on Sunday, just so we knew Jacob would sleep on the way home as he doesn't do well on long car journeys! He was really unsettled at bedtime last night too, which we half expected, but he did stay in his own cot until 5am, which wasn't too bad. I did bring him in with us, mainly because I knew after the late nights at the weekends, he needed more sleep, and he crashed straight out again until 8am, which was lovely!

There were so many lovely photos from this weekend so I apologise in advance if you get bored looking through them!

   

JACOBS HALLOWEEN DISCO! TICKETS NOW AVAILABLE!