One down...

So intra-arterial chemo number one is done. It has been a stressful few days. But we are on the otherside. We left for Great Ormond Street on Tuesday morning, dropped Alba at my Dad's, which was absolutely awful. Her little face when I left killed me. I cried the whole way to the station. We got to the station to find that I didn't leave the house keys for my sister in law... I wanted to cry. I absolutely hate trains anyway and Jacob and Me had to leave then if we were going to make it on time. So Rich left and drove the keys back and planned to meet us at GOSH. The train ride there wasn't too bad and Jacob was really well behaved. The hardest part was carrying our bags. I didn't think Rich would feel too great about carrying my very floral, very girly Cath Kidston overnight bag so I took it with me. Jacob had an echo, which is basically an ultrasound on his heart, an ECG and something called Visual evoked potential (VEP) and electroretinogram (ERG) tests. They all went really well and Jacob sat really good for all of them. We were finished for the day by 3.30pm so after we went to our hotel, which GOSH had arranged for us. I'd really hoped we'd be staying in the hospital or the parents hotel next door but there wasn't room for us and as I'm such a wimp, I'd have felt much better there. The hotel was okay, but all I kept picturing was scenes from "The Shining." Yes, I'm dramatic.

As we had some time to kill, we went to Hamley's toy store and the Disney Store and Jacob absolutely loved it. He came away with a new Spiderman figure too which he was very pleased about.

Rich came home to Alba so left the hotel around 9pm. I'd hoped I would sleep really well as Jacob was in bed with me and I wouldn't have a night feed to do. However, the wacky city of London had other ideas. So many sirens!! I hardly slept at all and when my alarm went off at 6am, I wanted to cry. Jacob and me went back to the hospital and was given a room for the day on a ward. Rich ended up running really late and didn't make it in time to see Jacob before he went down to theatre. Jacob was sobbing and screaming for Rich on our way down to theatre which was awful, but once there he calmed down and went to sleep well. I got really emotional this time round, he's been put to sleep so many times but it's been a long time since it was going to be for an actual procedure. The doctors said he would be asleep for anything upto 3 hours so I went back to the hotel to wait for Rich, then we had some breakfast. Jacob and was gone for two and a half hours in total. He was really upset when he came round but after a drink and a big cuddle we managed to calm him down. He had to lay still for 3 hours afterwards which wasn't as challenging as I thought it would be. And we managed to get him to dose back off to sleep. I snuck in a nap too!

I was so excited to see Alba when we got home, I missed her so so much and everytime I spoke to whoever was looking after her, I could hear her crying. The worst time was when I called my dad, then Jacob did something so I shouted "be careful!" And Alba heard me and absolutely fell to pieces. Totally didn't help with the missing her! 

Jacob has been very emotional since Wednesday, and he woke up crying at 5 this morning and was really sick. I called the hospital just to see if this was normal and they said it's very unlikely to be connected to the chemo. But it seems too much of a coincidence to be a bug!? He's been fine since this morning. Not much of an appetite but definitely more himself.

I feel such relief now the first treatment is done. I know what to expect now. And as always, Jacob absolutely stuns me with how brave he is and how he takes everything in his stride.

Sickness, Fevers & Food

So I caught the sickness bug...what a horrendous thing to have when pregnant. Lady Wright was obviously very hungry, and the idea of food was enough to have me hugging the toilet again. Thankfully I only felt really horrendous for about 36 hours and by the Saturday night I thought I was ready for food again. Hell no. To be honest, I ate possibly the worst thing, a fry up. I really, really craved it! My stomach was not ready for that amount of grease. So I spent the next two days in agony and unable to eat again. By Tuesday last week I was feeling so much better, so I went nuts with my Dettol and bleach. Whenever anyone is ill in our house, I become a bit of a germ freak. Everything gets stripped, washed, bleached, the lot. This did nothing for my sciatica. So I spent all Tuesday night crying about how uncomfortable I was. It was a tough few pregnancy days! Rich was a massive help though and Jacob was no trouble at all which is always a bonus.

We had a couple of play dates last week which was nice for Jacob. He is so funny with other children, although sharing is still a bit of a tricky spot. I did read that children don't understand the concept of sharing until they are four years old, so I'm guessing as long as we teach them now, they'll get it themselves eventually!

We also had a sleepover with Teddy and my sister at the weekend as Rich was going away for the night. It is such chaos when the boys get together, all toys come out, Teddy wants to play Play-Doh, Jacob likes to eat play-doh. But they get on really well which is lovely and its been nice for there to always have been someone else there for Jacob. And I think Jacob has learnt a few things from Teddy too. 

I've finally got everything for Lady Wright's hospital bag. Well, except the actual bag, but I'm ordering that next week I think. I just need to decide if it's definitely the one I want! I think I'm going for the double pocket Cath Kidston one, mainly because it looks pretty huge and I'll be carrying two children's worth of stuff around in it. I had a Cath Kidston one with Jacob and loved it. I was sad to stop using it but once they're not having a new nappy every two hours or bottles, you tend to just fill them up with junk. Much like a handbag!
I've started to get my hospital bag ready too, I don't know why but I feel much less prepared this time so doing all these things a bit early is making me feel a bit better. When Jacob was born, we were in hospital for nearly a week after as he had jaundice and required photo therapy and his bloods weren't quite what they needed to be, so Rich ended up having to bring me more pyjamas and clothes most days, he didn't do too badly but as we had just bought a new washing machine and he didn't know how to use it yet, I was quite mismatched by the end of the week. So part of me wants to over pack almost in anticipation of a long stay, but then at the same time, I don't want to jinx it as I really hope we are in and out pretty quickly. Especially as we will have Jacob at home too. We still haven't left him over night so I'm absolutely dreading it! Hopefully little lady will arrive in the middle of the night and then I'll be home that afternoon. Fingers crossed!

Jacob had a new eye last week, but to be honest I am so disappointed with it. He hasn't had one since October so I was really looking forward to it as his current one was looking really small. His prosthetist hadn't quite noticed how much he had grown, so she over trimmed it and it actually looks worse than the last one in my opinion. She has ordered another one and attempted to make a mould too so he should have another one in around six weeks. I was gutted when we left. But Rich said "they can't be perfect every time!" which I guess is true! I haven't got a very good photo of his new eye, mainly because it isnt very good! But here's a couple of photos since he had the new one. The only good thing about it is that it hasn't been as weepy. Silver lining I guess!!

Jacob has had a fever on and off for four days now, and a little rash to go with it. It looked viral to me but today it went a bit too red and sore looking for my liking, and being Good Friday, no doctors were open so it was off to A&E. We were seen really quickly, but as soon as we arrived and explained his symptoms, one of the nurses looked really concerned and asked if he'd always had a squint. Which he hasn't, obviously if you know him, you know its his artificial eye. It was really great that they'd picked up on it straight away though as she said with a fever for no apparent reason they'd want to get it checked quickly. My friend is also a health visitor and she says she is so much more in depth when asking parents about their children's vision now and any concerns with their eyes. I'm so glad how much more aware of Retinoblastoma everyone seems now. I had never ever heard of it but because of Jacob, so many people I know, now know about it. Anyways, the nurse said Jacob has just a viral rash and just to keep an eye on it. But you can never be too sure! And with it being chicken pox season and scarlet fever doing the rounds, I'd rather be safe that sorry! He advised Piriton for the rash, and when I told my sister this she just said "he will sleep well tonight!" Apparently it knocks them out. So we shall see! I would be excited for a full nights sleep if I didn't have a baby bouncing on my bladder causing countless nighttime trips to the bathroom!

Poorly pants flaked out on the sofa.

I feel like all I think about these days is food, especially since spending 3 days starving after getting sick. I have become OBSESSED with smoked salmon. My friend Fran made me a smoked salmon salad last week and since then it is all I've wanted to eat. I've had it about 3 times with scrambled egg and granary toast. I heard you're not supposed to eat more than two servings of oily fish a week, but I'm not a massive meat eater and I'm thinking it can just replace the however many servings of red meat you're supposed to have! At least that's what I'll tell myself. I have gone on a little bit of a health kick with food as I was eating just crisps and chocolate and cakes all day, no actual meals which is no good for anyone. So I did a healthy shop and have actually been really good. Rich doesn't really eat anything "healthy" so it has meant making separate dinners a lot, but I have felt so much better for it. Although, yesterday I went to Alec's Restaurant in Brentwood with a group of friends for lunch, and I can honestly tell you it was the best meal I've eaten in my whole life, naughty, but delicious. I had 3 courses, and I honestly couldn't eat anything else until today. They served canapés and bread when you arrived, then I had mussels to start, an unbelievable cod fillet in soy sauce and spring onion glaze with creamed spinach and dauphinoise potatoes for main and an amazing chocolate mousse for pudding. I'm actually dribbling thinking about it again...

Have a great Easter weekend! 

Our first sickness bug!

It's been a busy few weeks, not with anything in particular, just those times when every day seems to fly by! Jacob had a check up at the Royal London Hospital last week, and he was stable again! I'd had a really bad feeling (like always) that he'd need treatment but he's still fighting those nasty cancer cells off! He was so good again after coming round from theatre. He just inhales a whole bottle of water and a punnet of blueberries every time. Then continues to eat everything in sight for about an hour. The nurses find him hilarious as a lot of the children are very grumpy when they come round, understandably of course. But he just sits there eating. We took the iPad with us too so he was well set up for the morning! Although his new favourite is Finding Nemo, and we haven't put that onto the iPad yet! We are still waiting for Jacobs new artificial eye, which seems like its been forever. They finally called yesterday and he is getting it next week! His current one is so small, he keeps turning it round and it has been so weepy where its building up gunk. Lovely I know! I'll post a before and after pic next week. Hopefully he sits well and let's Sylvia take it in and out this time. He was not happy with being messed about with last time.

Jacob has started to say so many new words, in the last month or so his speech really seems to have come along. And he understands pretty much everything you say to him now. Especially the word "sweets." He says "seets?!" I wouldn't mind but I don't let him have chocolate too often and is usually after dinner if he does get anything. Although I've managed to make him think that raisins and these organic real fruit jelly things are sweets, so that's good! He also thinks Soreen malt loaf is cake. He looks like he's won the lottery when he gets real cake. The kid doesn't need sugar to give him energy, he's like a little Duracell bunny! The most impressive new thing he has been saying is "I wanna go in the car" and "I wanna go outside" He knows what car is and says that a lot on its own, but the "I wanna go" part is more of a sound I think. But it is hilarious because the second he opens his eyes in the morning or after a nap, it's all he says.

We've also had to start doing "The Naughty Step". I really like this as I am totally against punishing a child through smacking. And most of Jacobs naughty behaviour involves him smacking or hitting someone he shouldn't. Mostly, its the dog getting a pasting. So I don't see how punishing smacking with the same thing would ever work. Everyone is different obviously but I remember getting a good few sore backsides when I was younger and it never stopped me, it just made me misbehave, then run with my legs about ten feet in front of my body with my bum tucked underneath me as far as I could get it. Jacob however, also thinks the naughty step is fun. The first time he went on it he got up straight away, I didn't put him back, but when he went back to whatever mischief he was doing, then he went back to it. This only happened twice before he lost interest in being a rogue. The next time, after hitting the dog over the head with his Henry Hoover, he sat there for about 30 seconds maybe, I asked "are you going to be nice?" To which he said yes, so I said "come say sorry to Lex, (the dog)" so he came over, gave Lex a cuddle and kiss and I felt like I'd won. Until he slapped me round the face, laughed, and went and sat himself back on the naughty step. I couldn't help but laugh behind a pillow. I think it's going to take some practice.

We went to one of our friends little girls birthday party on Saturday, it was in Eastbourne and we'd planned on spending the whole day there and going to the seaside, but it was so cold that we avoided that! Jacob slept nearly the whole way there which was great as he was full of beans when we arrived. I'd expected him to be really clingy and not go off and run around with the other children. But after about ten minutes, he was off! It was so lovely to see him just toddling around, kicking balloons and having fun. He sometimes stands there just watching everyone and you can see he is just taking it all in. He must have been exhausted from all the running around as he fell asleep as soon as we got into the car to drive home with his hands in his Happy Meal box clinging onto a chicken nugget! We just grabbed him one as it was easy for him to eat in the car and he'd been picking at food all afternoon anyway. He isn't a huge happy meal fan and I've gone off McDonalds since the beginning of my pregnancy, so they are a rarity in our house these days. He fell asleep around six and we managed to get him in, changed and into bed without him waking up and he slept until 7.45 the next day. Not uninterrupted of course, but that was a good stretch for him!

He wasn't quite himself all day Sunday, and the same on Monday. Off his food and very clingy. And cuddly. And I rarely get cuddles from this boy so I knew something was up. And at 5pm on Monday, that "up" was projectile vomit. Now, if you know me, you know I do not cope well with sick. I can't even talk about it without heaving (which I'm currently doing). But apparently, when its your child, you block out that fear. Don't get me wrong, I was still a state and wanted to heave my insides out, but the fear in Jacobs face was so much worse. He honestly looked petrified and didn't have a clue what was happening. I was absolutely covered in a lovely grape and rusk concoction but the quivering little wreck that was hanging on to me for dear life was way more important. I went into germ killer overdrive, Jacob was stripped and washed, the bed was stripped and put on the hottest wash I could get it on, and all dummies and drink cups were sterilised and I had the Dettol out and ready for any more explosions. Except there wasn't any, that night anyways, Jacob didn't want to eat anything and climbed into bed without a bedtime story which is very unlike him. He slept surprisingly well, I laid there awake nearly all night waiting for the next lot. He woke up asking for breakfast so I gave him some porridge which he practically inhaled where he must have been starving, but within ten minutes, it all came back up. Now this time, because Rich took Jacob and was dealing with him, it was just me and the reversed porridge. I didn't do well. That blocking out didn't happen. My eyes were hanging out of my head by the end of it.
This all happened at the worst possible time too as one of my friends was getting married yesterday and Jacob was spending the day with my brother and his girlfriend. I didn't want to leave him but he managed to keep down some plain biscotti and ready salted crisps (that's what he wanted?!) and seemed to perk up, so Rich missed the ceremony and came for the evening as by then Jacob seemed pretty much back to normal. He slept so well last night too which was great because I was exhausted from the no sleep the night before, to spending the whole day in heels, (my toes are like little swollen cocktail sausages today.) He woke up this morning pretty much his usual self and ate 3 bowls of dry cheerios. So fingers crossed the bug has left the building! It was so horrible seeing him so subdued. Quiet, but horrible! It made me really miss the chaos!

On the pregnancy front, I have been nesting like crazy. Everything is organised, rubbish thrown out, garden cleared and all the toys and trampoline all cleaned. I am starting to feel a bit more prepared now. However, at my 28 week midwife appointment, she said that Lady Wright is growing nicely and "isn't a tiddler". She said don't worry she isn't big! But this has still terrified me. So many people have said how big the bump is too! I am definitely carrying a lot higher up this time, so it may just " look" bigger. I hope so!

Oh, the last thing, Rich has caught Jacobs bug. In fact, it's actually wiped out my brother, his girlfriend and half of her family too! Not good. I am so hoping I don't catch it. I am pathetic when I'm sick. We (I) had planned a little trip to Mothercare today but I don't think that will be happening! I think Rich planned it that way... ;)

A few other pics from the last few weeks...

Bump update: We are having a...

GIRL!!!

We had our anomaly scan last week which we had always planned on finding out the sex at. And we are having a baby girl! And I am petrified! What am I going to do with a girl?! I know boys! Haha. I am so excited. And also panicking because now I really have to get realistic with all the boys stuff I can't bear to part with! We definitely need some more storage space! 

I hadn't bought a single thing for this baby yet as I have been so nervous that something would be wrong. So I wanted to wait until this scan to really get excited. I have been excited to an extent but in all honesty, a part of me has been in denial a little bit because I just felt so uneasy that there would be a problem. But our scan showed everything was growing and developing as it should be. So now I can relax a bit more! We had a scan at sixteen weeks too as I'd had quite a lot of pain and the doctor said she thought it was a girl, but I didn't take it for anything as it was still only just 16 weeks. And to be honest, I thought we'd have another boy! My mum was obviously over the moon as she now has a little girl in the family. And she can go Disney Princess mad.
I started having a little look at clothes. Obviously. And it is a little bit overwhelming! There is so much more choice for girls! Jacob has lots of the same sort of thing in a few different colours. But girls, my gosh, they can have dresses, skirts, shorts, leggings, jeans, everything!!! I've never been a fan of newborns in "real" clothes. Like jeans etc. I think it makes them look so grown up so quickly. Jacob didn't wear his first pair of jeans until he was about 11 months! And even then, I begrudgingly pulled them on his tiny little legs. Everyone is different obviously and that's just me!
I'm just glad everything is okay and hopefully now I can enjoy being pregnant! 

With the news that we are having a girl. I went through all of Jacobs old stuff (again). So, I sat on our bed, amongst an obscene pile of clothes, and cried. He had so much lovely stuff and I am genuinely heartbroken that it won't get worn again. And some of it was so small!!! I kept sending Rich pictures of things. He obviously thought I was insane and just told me to pack it all away and keep it all. I managed to pull a small pile of stuff for the little lady to use, such as the Little Bird range by Jools Oliver. I'm obsessed with it. And most of the basics are unisex so I was sitting there planning outfits with those pieces. I also made a memory blanket pile, which was ridiculously huge. And then I actually made a charity donation bag. And the rest...well its back in storage because I officially cannot part with it yet. I don't want it to go to a stranger, so I decided to wait and see if any of my friends have boys. And they can have it. Maybe. I am aware that most people think I'm nuts for keeping it all, but I just can't do it!

I picked up a few things yesterday for the little lady. Just some vests and sleepsuits, but honestly, I could have spent hundreds of pounds. Especially in Next. It is so lovely. But I'm trying to be a bit more realistic this time as going through Jacobs stuff showed me that he had way too much and literally only wore everything once, if that!

I've finally got my appetite back, and in a big way. All I want to do is eat! Its just deciding what I want that's the trouble, because I don't fancy anything in particular, I just want food. I'm probably going to end up a ginormous whale by the end of this pregnancy!

Jacob picked up another cold this week, so Rich has been sleeping downstairs and Jacob in our bed for the last two nights as for some reason, toddlers like to sleep longways in the bed! He slept much better last night though which was nice as I was starting to feel hideous from the lack of sleep! Although I'm going to start calling it sleep training. Its probably a good thing Jacob has never been a brilliant sleeper with a second baby on the way! I never got to go back to a full nights sleep so hopefully it won't be so much of a shock when she arrives! (Yeah right!)

Lady Wright.

Its that time of year...

So this week our whole house has come down with a cold. Which might explain the unhappy boy we had for the beginning of the week. I always feel so guilty if Jacob is going through a fussy or clingy stage for a few days then comes down with something. Especially after I've left him to cry it out or tried the tough love approach. This is why babies should be born with the ability to talk! It would be much more helpful! But then I guess that would take the fun out of it. On Thursday night, I walked round to our shop, and when I say walk, I went REALLY slowly as it had been a long day with Jacob being extremely miserable and not wanting anyone but me. We had run out of calpol and Jacob was getting snottier by the minute, so I was like "I'll go!" As awful as I felt, I just needed five minutes peace. I was stood in the shop armed with calpol, biscuits and diet coke and was just standing staring at the chocolate and the shop assistant looked at me, laughed and said "Can't decide what you want?" And I just laughed and said "nope!" When actually all I wanted to do was cry and say "my little boy has a cold and I don't know what to do!!!!" It's so silly, but Jacobs cancer doesn't actually show any symptoms, he isn't "ill" with it. When he was having chemo he was obviously ill quite alot, but I always knew how to deal with it. Give me a baby with a cold and I'm useless. On Thursday night, Rich slept on the sofa as Jacob wouldn't settle anywhere but in our bed, and as he had work, it made sense for him to sleep downstairs where he would get a decent night's sleep. Jacob was so restless all night, I think I must have had about an hours sleep in total. Jacob was still quite ropey Friday but slept much better that night, he stayed in his own cot until around 4 when he wouldn't settle back off so into our bed he came! Back into that bad habit again! He wouldn't give in and go back to sleep so by 5.45, Rich got up with him so I could get a couple hours sleep. When Rich gets up with him, the minute I appear at the bottom of the stairs, Jacob goes nuts and becomes a mega mummy's boy. (Which I secretly love) So yesterday, he was in extra "need mummy" mode. I literally couldn't get dressed until about 2pm, which I absolutely hate doing. I have to get up, have my cup of tea, get washed and get dressed otherwise it wrecks me for the day. It must be where Jacob gets the routine OCD from! Jacob slept until around 7am this morning which was so much better and it seemed to do him the world of good as he was much much happier. Thank goodness! He didn't even cry when I put him down on the sofa and went to make his milk. He hasn't napped again all morning and just as I was dishing up Sunday lunch, Rich sat with him on the sofa and within about 10 seconds he was asleep! Typical. He took a long time to settle in bed tonight which is unlike him but definitely seemed much better! I'm so glad because we have his check up at The Royal London on Wednesday and they won't see him if he's poorly! I'm so nervous for this check up as six weeks is the longest break we've ever had between appointments. I will obviously be over the moon if he is still stable, but I never go with that expectation because I don't like to set myself up for disappointment. But on the other hand, because he's done so well and not needed treatment for nearly 3 months, I think I'll be gutted if he does need treatment. But you can't plan for these things and you can't tell the future, so as always, we will deal with whatever happens on the day the same way we always do.

He actually ate today! Demanded a banana, so a banana he got! 

 As he was in a good mood, we did some baking. Well Jacob launched cake mix up the walls.

 I'm a terrible baker, so we cheated and used a Peppa Pig box mix! 

Spending quality time with Lex.