And the award for worst blogger ever goes to...

Me! So, two kids that don't stop moving from the second they wake up in the morning, (usually 6am, 5am lately.) until the second they go to bed at night, makes it very difficult to sit and write these blogs. And I'm not even exaggerating. They're both like little Duracell bunnies that get high on oxygen. It is EXHAUSTING. And to make it even more fun, if Alba even so much as blinks at Jacob, he totally loses his shit. I thought "Ah, 2 year age gap, they'll be the best of friends, they'll play together so lovely." Nope. I am an idiot. So, the blog gets neglected. Don't worry, it's not the only thing I've forgotten about. My hair, my eyebrows, I can't remember when I last cleaned my bathroom with something other than baby wipes. The dog probably hasn't had an affectionate cuddle or human contact that wasn't being shoved out of the way/tripped over/being rode by a small human for months. I'm not even sure Rich still lives here. I forget to speak to him lately too. Okay, that last one was a joke. He lives here, I just don't talk to him.

Anyways, besides all that, yesterday was 3 years since D-day. Or diagnosis day. Or the start of Jacobs fight. Whatever you prefer. It was also Rich's birthday, but I also forgot about that. Not really. He got a Colin the Caterpillar cake of course. This year is the first year it hasn't gotten me down. I thought about it of course and still remember it like it was yesterday. But  I didn't sit moping about it. I normally feel really anxious leading up to it, apparently it's quite normal. But it was lot less this time. Just seeing Jacob now, a crazy three year old is so different to what I thought he'd be like now. I really wish the me then could have come and met the me now. But then it wouldn't have been so much of a journey would it?! 

Jacobs had two check ups since the last blog. His vision is slowly improving. The IAC has left behind alot of damage and they've seen slight improvement each time. His retina has finally reattached but we are just playing the waiting game on the vision. He can see around two metres in front now which has dramatically improved from the 20 centimetres he could see 2 months ago. He does brilliantly at home and is slowly starting to be able to point things out in books again. He still doesn't manage depth or change in surface well. So steps, kerbs, shadows. He stops and panics alot. Steps, he tries to sit down and shimmy down them. He did this on the underground last week and I absolutely went into meltdown over the germs. He has to be carried alot in new or unfamiliar places too. It could improve, it could not. He's still not fussed over his iPad, and he only likes things on TV that he has seen a hundred times before. Which is Peppa Pig at the moment. I hate the spoilt little brat. I wish one of her little mates would give her a slap.
The good news is that Jacobs tumour is stable still. As tough as the vision thing is, if it means he is finally free of this nasty little disease, then it's worth it.

Jacob starts preschool in September, he will be going four mornings a week. He's moving up from the toddler room! I'm so excited as it will be great routine for him and I know he will love it. He's going to have a key worker all to himself which is brilliant, so I know he will be well looked after. They normally have around 8 children to one adult, but his nursery have got some additional funding for Jacob so he has the best care possible there. I was really upset at the thought of him having "extra help" at first, but at the end of the day, if it alleviates pressure on the nursery and makes Jacob more comfortable then that's fine with me. I wouldn't want him to go anywhere else and I love the girls there and know they'd come to me if they had any questions or there were any problems. I'm also looking forward to spending some time with Alba, just the girls! Jacob isn't really into baby groups anymore and all the ones Jacob was going to at Alba's age, he isn't interested in, so she kind of misses out. So I will definitely be taking her to a few groups. Although I'm sure she will just cling onto me for dear life when approached by a stranger!

We've had some glorious weather here too! Here's a few pics from recently, we've had a few little adventures to the seaside and the Natural History Museum too! Oh and to see Queenie! 

Last day at nursery! 

Hope you've enjoyed this little update. I'd say I'll try and keep these coming regularly, but I can't promise anything. Maybe my kids will start enjoying quiet, still activities soon...

This is hard work!

I just haven't had the energy to write a blog post this week. And the only reason I'm writing this one is purely so I can moan to someone else about how hideous I feel because I think my family and the few close friends who already know, might just kill me if I moan to them anymore. We found out 3 weeks ago that we are expecting baby number two. While I was absolutely shocked, we hadn't officially started trying and Jacob took a year to conceive, Rich was over the moon. Dont get me wrong, I am so pleased. I always wanted about a two year age gap between Jacob and his sibling, and it probably would have been less if Jacob wasn't poorly. But while being shocked and pleased, all I could think was that I didn't want to feel as sick as I did with Jacob. And silly me, I thought I would get away with the feeling like a sack of crap for 3 months, "every pregnancy is different" and all that! But my god, this time it has been SO much worse. I was quite sick with Jacob, actually throwing up every morning without fail until about 14 weeks in. But by lunchtime, I felt myself again. This time round, it is lasting ALL DAY but I'm not actually being sick. Now, ask anyone who knows me, I am a pathetic ill person. For brief moments I will just get on with it, but since having Jacob, I am truly pathetic. A shame to those mums on the Boots advert that are running around after a sick family while battling the plague themselves. Whether work distracted me last time, or it just wasn't as bad, I honestly don't know how I'm going to get through another possibly 7 weeks of this. I have tried absolutely everything to help, ginger beer, ginger tea, fresh root ginger tea, ginger biscuits, dry crackers, polos, dry toast. Nothing has worked. And the only thing I want to eat is McDonalds fries. Good pregnancy diet. Running around after Jacob has been so hard too, and I have had so many days where I have felt like the worst mother in the world because I've vegetated on the sofa all day. My house is a mess and Jacob is just wreaking havoc. I've spent almost every night crying to Rich about how Jacob must hate me for missing Jo Jingles last week because I felt so ropey, I couldn't face going. Or how he had spaghetti on toast for dinner last night because I felt so sick, I couldn't face cooking anything else. Evidently, Jacob doesn't care because he still smacks me in the face or is my best pal when he gets some chocolate buttons, which has been a lot more often recently!!
Rich has been brilliant the last week or so, before that he just told me to get on with it. It took a full blown crying meltdown for him to realise how rubbish I felt. This is probably my fault for being a pathetic ill person anyway so he probably thought it was nothing different. Except it is, it is like the hangover from hell that lasts for weeks. Everyone says "but it will be worth it." Yes it will, but right now I want to smack you in the face and go cry into my pillow about how tired I am and how all I want to do is enjoy a meal without fear of seeing it in reverse. I honestly think women are amazing for going through this time and time again. I've said a few times that this is the last one now. My mum said if it isn't a girl, I have to keep going until she gets a grandaughter. If they can give her my morning sickness, I'll have ten more! I absolutely loved being pregnant after the sickness passed with Jacob, I really hope this time is the same. I'm worried Jacob is going to start reporting me for neglecting him. We went to Jo Jingles this week, which I'm glad we did because he really seemed to enjoy it this time and toddled off around the soft play after all by himself. He managed to find his way to the huge slide in the middle and went skidding down it on his own. I obviously panicked and was trying to navigate my way through Wild 'n' Wacky at lightening speed, which did nothing but give me a nice bruise on my back where I forgot I am way too big to crawl under one of the gaps to the slide. But turns out there was no need to panic. My little beast didn't even need me. Another reason I cried yesterday. While I have absolutely no intention of publishing this post until after our scan. Its felt good to write it out somewhere else!

Its that time of year...

So this week our whole house has come down with a cold. Which might explain the unhappy boy we had for the beginning of the week. I always feel so guilty if Jacob is going through a fussy or clingy stage for a few days then comes down with something. Especially after I've left him to cry it out or tried the tough love approach. This is why babies should be born with the ability to talk! It would be much more helpful! But then I guess that would take the fun out of it. On Thursday night, I walked round to our shop, and when I say walk, I went REALLY slowly as it had been a long day with Jacob being extremely miserable and not wanting anyone but me. We had run out of calpol and Jacob was getting snottier by the minute, so I was like "I'll go!" As awful as I felt, I just needed five minutes peace. I was stood in the shop armed with calpol, biscuits and diet coke and was just standing staring at the chocolate and the shop assistant looked at me, laughed and said "Can't decide what you want?" And I just laughed and said "nope!" When actually all I wanted to do was cry and say "my little boy has a cold and I don't know what to do!!!!" It's so silly, but Jacobs cancer doesn't actually show any symptoms, he isn't "ill" with it. When he was having chemo he was obviously ill quite alot, but I always knew how to deal with it. Give me a baby with a cold and I'm useless. On Thursday night, Rich slept on the sofa as Jacob wouldn't settle anywhere but in our bed, and as he had work, it made sense for him to sleep downstairs where he would get a decent night's sleep. Jacob was so restless all night, I think I must have had about an hours sleep in total. Jacob was still quite ropey Friday but slept much better that night, he stayed in his own cot until around 4 when he wouldn't settle back off so into our bed he came! Back into that bad habit again! He wouldn't give in and go back to sleep so by 5.45, Rich got up with him so I could get a couple hours sleep. When Rich gets up with him, the minute I appear at the bottom of the stairs, Jacob goes nuts and becomes a mega mummy's boy. (Which I secretly love) So yesterday, he was in extra "need mummy" mode. I literally couldn't get dressed until about 2pm, which I absolutely hate doing. I have to get up, have my cup of tea, get washed and get dressed otherwise it wrecks me for the day. It must be where Jacob gets the routine OCD from! Jacob slept until around 7am this morning which was so much better and it seemed to do him the world of good as he was much much happier. Thank goodness! He didn't even cry when I put him down on the sofa and went to make his milk. He hasn't napped again all morning and just as I was dishing up Sunday lunch, Rich sat with him on the sofa and within about 10 seconds he was asleep! Typical. He took a long time to settle in bed tonight which is unlike him but definitely seemed much better! I'm so glad because we have his check up at The Royal London on Wednesday and they won't see him if he's poorly! I'm so nervous for this check up as six weeks is the longest break we've ever had between appointments. I will obviously be over the moon if he is still stable, but I never go with that expectation because I don't like to set myself up for disappointment. But on the other hand, because he's done so well and not needed treatment for nearly 3 months, I think I'll be gutted if he does need treatment. But you can't plan for these things and you can't tell the future, so as always, we will deal with whatever happens on the day the same way we always do.

He actually ate today! Demanded a banana, so a banana he got! 

 As he was in a good mood, we did some baking. Well Jacob launched cake mix up the walls.

 I'm a terrible baker, so we cheated and used a Peppa Pig box mix! 

Spending quality time with Lex.

4am is the new 7am.

Oh my gosh, I don't think I've been this tired since Jacob was first born. We've recently decided that afternoon naps are no longer necessary (again) and that its completely normal to get up for the day at 4am. He's just gone down for a nap and it's only 8.30, which is going to ruin his whole day now. Yes, I am a routine drill Sargent. Jacob has always had the same sort of routine so if anything changes, it just messes up his whole day. So the 8.30am nap means he will be an absolute grotbag by around 1pm. And if he skips his afternoon nap again, he will be a total sleep deprived monster by bedtime and then we can do it all over again. We have been very lucky with Jacob going down to bed. From around six weeks old, he had a bath, bottle then bed. At first, he went in his Moses basket in our room and we'd leave him to go off on his own, although for the first few nights, I would sit outside our room or peer round the door until he went to sleep. Then he went into his own room at 3 and a half months as he filled his Moses basket and we wanted him to be used to it before his chemo started as we didn't want an upheaval when he would be feeling rubbish anyway. The times obviously changed as he got older and settled more into a routine with feeding and daily naps and bedtime slowly dropped from 10pm to 7pm which it is now. Although last night he went to bed at 6pm as he was so tired. I wish babies understood when you explained to them that if they slept, they wouldn't feel so pooped. Jacob just looks at me like I'm mad when he's throwing a wobbly and I'm stood there going "well Jacob, if you'd have slept or gotten up at a normal time this would be happening right now would it." I just get another scream as a response.
So right now, with the first bit of quiet I've had since 4.45am, I am torn between having a nap, washing my hair or having a cup of tea (as I couldn't drink the first one I made due to my insane little monster refusing to allow me to sit still.)

...So, I opted for all three, and managed to squeeze them all in! Well I didn't really have a nap, just laid on the bed revelling in the silence. And I don't think I've ever enjoyed a cup of tea more in my life. Jacob slept for around two hours, and woke up in a reasonably good mood! We've started going for a walk after his morning nap, just to kill some time really because he normally is quite miserable between his morning nap and lunch. Plus it builds up his appetite a bit! We've had some trouble with him eating since we've been letting him sit at his little table and chairs to eat, he gets up and looses interest quite quickly. He still eats, but just takes a lot longer and then he gets bored. So I think we may go back to the booster seat at the table.
My dad and step mum came over with my little sister this afternoon, and for the first time, I saw Jacob being a bit of a monkey with sharing his toys. My little sister is nearly 3 so she's still learning about sharing too. But Jacob was trying to take everything Katie picked up. And he was not happy when I took it back to Katie. This age is definitely living up to its reputation as "the hard stage." My happy, independent boy has become a miserable clingbot. He woke up from his afternoon nap extremely unhappy and sat on my lap eating his rice cakes through groans and moans. Rich played some ball with him when he got home from work so I could cook dinner, which probably would have proved a mission with Jacob hanging off my leg! I feel like I constantly repeat myself, but I really hope he sleeps better tonight!

We went to Wild & Wacky as usual on Monday and to Jo Jingles. Jacob really enjoyed himself. He climbed around all of the soft play and went up to the slide all by himself which he never normally does. And he stood up and participated in most of Jo Jingles. He was hilarious, just wandering around like he owned the place. 

 The troublesome twosome...

 "Participate" also means "eat the instruments."

 Walking.

 We went to the park on Tuesday to try and burn some energy so Jacob had an afternoon nap. It failed.

 Jacob is obsessed with this tree stump in the woods behind our house. 

Cruising in Jacob's car.

I am arranging a fundraiser for The Childhood Eye Cancer Trust as I couldn't make the Carrots Night walk this year, which we did last year and raised an unbelievable £7000! In all honesty, I just totally forgot to sign up this year which is a bummer because I really wanted to do it as it was quite good fun and I met some amazing people last year. So, to ease my guilt for being useless and forgetting, I have decided to throw a children's Halloween Disco. Originally, I was going to just have a Halloween party at home for my friends and their children, but my friend suggested we turn it into a fundraiser. So since last week, I have been planning that! It's quite stressful but people have been so generous with raffle prizes and donations. Its so lovely to know there are people out there who want to help. I'm sure it will be worth all the stress and worry on the day! And I cannot wait to dress Jacob up in some crazy costume!

More tantrums & Ice bucket challenges.

It's been a tiring couple of nights since Friday. We are still battling the transition from two to one nap and it's so hard! On Friday night, Jacob spent an hour screaming the house down at 2am before I gave in and brought him into our bed. He slept til 8.15 which was lovely, but it would have been much nicer if he was in his own bed! It was really nice for us all to wake up together and just relax in bed for a while, we don't normally get to do it because it's either too early so I come downstairs with Jacob, or we have somewhere to be. If it's a morning where we haven't got to be somewhere, I will normally bring Jacob into our room from his and we will watch tv and all have our cup of tea in bed, but it is so rare that this happens! Because Jacob woke up at 8.15, I thought he would skip his morning nap and have just the one after lunch, but bang on 10am, he wanted his morning nap. He slept for about half an hour, which seemed to be enough for the rest of the day, because despite extreme tantrums and crying and hanging off of me everywhere I went, the little boy did not want to sleep! We tried to put him down in his cot a few times after seeing the "tired" signs. This is normally the crankiness and he gets very whingey, and starts tugging at his ears and poking his artificial eye (which is just lovely.) We needed to pop out, and low and behold, Jacob fell asleep in the car at 5pm. I try really hard not to let him sleep past 4pm otherwise he is an absolute nightmare to get to bed because he's like a supercharged Duracell bunny if he sleeps past then. He had about 20 minutes in the car so was not a happy bunny when we woke him up for dinner. He's started to go to bed at 7pm too as his daytime sleeping has gone up the wall, and last night he just wasn't having any of it. He absolutely screamed the house down for an hour, it was so hard not to go up and sit with him, but we've done controlled crying with him before and it does work for us. So every ten minutes or so, I was going in, laying him back down and leaving again. My dad was visiting and after about five attempts he was like "it's a tantrum! He knows you'll go up, so just leave him!" I really hate it because he does get himself into such a state. I left it 15 minutes, and he went quiet, then five minutes later he was asleep. A crazy part of me thought that he'd sleep through as he'd wiped himself out throught his tantrum. But nope, 3am this morning and he was off again. I refused to give in this time as it would have been the 5th night this week he came into our bed. After 45 minutes of screaming and launching dummies across the hallway, I just stood next to his cot and he fell asleep. Probably another bad habit to get into, but one step at a time! He slept through until 7.15, so I can cope with that for today. My friend said it could be night terrors, as she had the same troubles with her little girl around this age. She said if you rouse them slightly around two hours after they go to sleep, it disturbs the sleep and therefore disturbs the pattern. So we are going to try that tonight! 

Jacob hasn't stopped toddling around now and everyone said how much harder it becomes once they're walking. But to be honest, I haven't found it much different, he is such a bulldozer anyway and climbs absolutely everything so I've had to have eyes in the back of my head for about 8 months now! The trouble now is that he actually wants to walk EVERYWHERE. In the supermarket, to the car, and if the front door opens, he's up on his feet and running for it! The neighbours must think I'm awful to live with because when I pick him up and close the door, the screams are like somebody is being murdered. We at currently battling the word "no." Jacob thinks it's the funniest word in the world because when I point and say "noooooo" in that voice that every parent seems to say it in, he just laughs at me. And then I laugh because I can't get over how cheeky he is. So it's going to be a tough one I think. Any tips!?

My little climber.

I could watch these two playing together for hours.

I did the "ALS Ice Bucket Challenge" tonight after being nominated by my sister. I think these things are such a brilliant idea, as long as people actually donate. I hated the "no make-up selfie" campaign to begin with as a lot of people were just using it as an excuse to post a picture and get likes, and not actually donate. After Cancer Research got onto it and people started donating, it was brilliant. So with the ALS challenge, I am all for it if people are donating, although watching people soak themselves with ice cold water is brilliant in itself. I did two buckets as I wanted to donate to CHECT too. They are such an amazing charity and I know it sounds silly, but I felt like I was cheating on them! Haha. Below is the video of me getting a soaking! It was SO cold. 

Good luck to anyone who gets nominated, and please make sure you donate! 

WE NEED SLEEP!

So after the horrendous Saturday night with Jacob, I'd hoped that Sunday night might have seen him get back to his normal sleep habits. But apparently somebody thought it would be funny to leave me with the no sleeping, screaming infant as opposed to the sleeping (most of the time) quiet baby I'm used to. It was bang on the same time as Saturday night that he woke up. 11.30pm. After an hour, I gave in again and brought him into our bed. I knooooow it's bad! But I was so tired. Not that it made much difference because he fidgeted all night and then wanted to get up at 5.30. Talk about torture! I think the issue is that Jacob is ready to drop one of his daytime naps but it is so hard to try and work it out so that he doesn't go too early or too late. Yesterday we tried just the one nap after lunch. He only had around an hour which is a lot less than the 3 hours he would have over two naps but last night he went to bed earlier than usual, so 7pm instead of 8pm and slept through! So I had planned to stick to that today, but his second set of immunisations were today and apparently they give them sleeping drugs of some kind because as soon as we got in the car, he crashed out. At 10am!!! This was completely not part of my master plan!!! He's gone to bed okay, but I don't expect another sleep through! He has been quite grumpy today after his immunisations, and he got quite poorly last time after around 10 days so I'm hoping these ones don't go the same way. He did have the MMR on his first lot and I've heard that can be the one that wipes them out. He only had two today as opposed to five vaccines so fingers crossed he's okay this time!

Post imms snooze.

I got rid of Jacobs huge highchair today, it was a really lovely wooden one which also converted into a table and chairs but I really wanted him to have a booster seat that goes on our dining chairs so he can sit at the table with us. We try to all eat dinner together every night unless we are obviously having a late one. So I like for Jacob to sit at the table with us. I bought him a "Munchkin" travel booster seat. It was a right bargain at £14 and it folds up and looks like a bag so you can take it out with you. Obviously I'm not going to strut around the town centre with it, but it's handy to chuck in the car if we are going to my mums or something. He really loved it, but as always, most of his food made it's way to the floor. It was nice for him to actually be at the table with us too. 

Before the mess...

Oh dear...

Bathtime.

Im actually contemplating going to bed already and it's only 8pm. Wish me luck for tonight!