I had a really good cry tonight. I haven't cried properly in ages. Like, I cry at the Christmas adverts, and at that bit in Toy Story 3 where all of the toys are heading to their death in the furnace, but I haven't had a "proper cry" in ages. It all started with viewing a primary school... Jacob is due to start next September, and although I know it's been coming, apparently I hadn't actually, fully accepted that it was happening. Until tonight. Basically, I had my heart totally set on this one school, that I hadn't even viewed, but I have heard amazing things about it and their OFSTED report is also brilliant. But it turns out, none of that actually matters. Because when I walked in, it was such a crazy, tight, cluttered layout that all I could think of was how overwhelming and scary it was going to be for Jacob. And how many accident forms I would be filling out each week. Now, don't get me wrong, I know I've only viewed one school, and they may all be like this, but all I wanted to do was turn and run. And homeschool him. They have to just "get on with it" from the start, so you don't take them into the classroom on their first day, they just go, find their pegs, hang their stuff up and go. And then they go collect their school dinner, scrape their own plate, put their cutlery in one bowl and then pile their trays up. All totally acceptable. But I know Jacob won't be able to do this without help, and I know help will be available but I hadn't fully grasped the concept that this is when this disease was actually going to start affecting his life. It's obviously affected him his whole life, but I've always been there to hold his hand, to help him. I know how he likes certain things, how he does certain things, how he works things out because he can't see. And I honestly can't bear the thought of him going off on his own. I sound like he's leaving home, but I really didn't realise that this was when the visual impairment that the bastard cancer left behind was going to become an issue. Which is probably the most naive I have ever been. Except for that time I thought two babies would be a breeze...
I'm branching out now and planning on viewing schools I hadn't even considered because of where they are etc. But as Jacob will have a Health Care Plan in place when he starts, he gets more of a choice. It isn't decided on catchment area or siblings for him. So he kind of has the pick of the bunch, which I wasn't going to take advantage of, but think I may do now. Has anyone else had their heart set on a school, only to view it and be disappointed?
Why do our babies have to grow up?
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