Where has my son gone?!

Since Sunday, it is like Jacob has been replaced with a different child. He has been so grumpy and clingy and totally of his food (still). He is normally always so happy, but since Sunday afternoon we have had tears and tantrums aplenty. And I am exhausted. He has just gone down for a nap after a slightly better morning than the last 3. We've been up at 5am, throwing milk across the living room, screaming blue murder at the front door because he wants to go out. Bringing me his shoes because he wants to go out and dragging me to the back door because he wants to go out. The only thing I have taken from all of this is that he obviously hates me and wants to move out. He now knows to take my hand and take me to where he wants to go. And if it isn't the front or back door, it's to the cupboard under the stairs where the hoover lives. Because he is totally obsessed with our Hetty the Hoover. But if I turn it on, all hell breaks loose. It has been very hard the last few days, and by no means am I complaining, but we have been quite lucky to have a happy, sociable boy pretty much all of the time. So to have Jacob clinging to my legs and hanging off my tshirt has been quite difficult. I can normally do the washing up or make a cup of tea or clean up after lunch, but the last few days, this has been totally impossible. So my house looks like a bomb has gone off, there is porridge all over the walls, Wotsit dust all over the sofa and juice all over the floor. By the time Rich gets home from work, I am climbing the walls. I haven't even bothered to turn off cbeebies when Jacob finally settles for a nap. I actually went back to sleep yesterday for half an hour because I think I may have cried had I not caught up on a few winks. A few of my friends are having similar troubles with their little ones at the moment and they are all very close in age. So it may be a phase, or it may be a coincidence! Originally I thought it was teething and he had the nice big molar through at the end of last week, and it might still be, but it has certainly been a testing few days. We went to Jo Jingles on Monday as it has now started up again after the school holidays. I was very close to not going as Jacob was so miserable but I thought a change of scenery and some socialising might do him some good. We met my friend John there with Darcie as they are little Jo Jingle's buddies. He was still quite clingy and didn't really go off to play on his own like he normally would, so I spent my time being pulled around by my finger and in the ball pit with him. And let me tell you, there is no glamorous way to climb into the ball pit at Wild & Wacky. Jacob didn't really participate in Jo Jingles except for when the maracas came out. Otherwise he was trying to escape through the door. He did eat all of his lunch though which was the first time he has finished a meal for about a week. He has been totally off his food again, only eating his fruit still. The Innocent smoothies for kids have proven a good buy though, as he has been inhaling them. So that's something! 

 Possibly one of the only (half) smiles from Monday...

Ball pit buddies.

 Grumpy guts in his awesome hoody from Next.

Smoothie monster

We had quite alot of laughs and smiles this morning and he even ate all of his porridge, by himself with a spoon! So I'm hoping Jacob is feeling a bit better now. I did start to panic a bit as he wanted his hand held everytime he walked, that his vision in his left eye may have changed and the tumour has started to grow again and affect it. I'm pretty sure that's just my mind going into overdrive. But when he's normally so happy, I do really worry when he is so unsettled. Everyone just says it's kids and he's just coming into himself and seeing what he can get away with. So I am really hoping that's the case. At 15 months, this is definitely the hardest but also the most fun age so far. He is so so funny at the moment, and doing new things everyday. This morning, he actually drove his Toot Toot Drivers cars around the track and he has also started to try to build his Mega Bloks. I've also started to let him use crayons and we have managed to keep it on the paper so far! Oh, and in his mouth obviously. I freaked out but Rich assured me they are non-toxic. So all I can expect is some multi-coloured nappy contents! 

Another new trick he's learned recently...dunking!

Seaside Saturday

We have had a busy weekend! We spent Saturday at Clacton-on-sea as my mums side of the family (which is huge) all hired caravans for the weekend, so we gatecrashed for the day on Saturday. Jacob slept absolutely terribly on Friday night, he was up at 3am and that was it. Awake for the day. The drive to Clacton was about an hour and a half so we'd arranged to leave at ten which is Jacobs nap time and hoped he would sleep the whole way. He managed to hold out until ten which really surprised me seeing as he was up at 3. Although he was extremely grumpy! He's totally gone off cereal for breakfast too and will only eat his toast or chocolate chip brioche. I bought some of those Innocent Kids smoothies on sunday so hopefully he will like those so I know he's at least getting something good in him in the mornings! I think he's still teething as he has been extra dribbly and the bibbles have come out again! They ruin all of his nice outfits as they don't really match and I don't want to buy loads more as he has so many. Just none seem to match!
We took Jacob to the seafront in Clacton. Its mostly a pebble beach but he absolutely loved it! He kept trying to go into the sea, and loved the water running up over his feet. He was so excited and actually managed to run around on the sand and pebbles. Not bad considering he's only been walking a few weeks! Although he does think he's some kind of Olympic sprinter now so we've had lots of bumps and bruises recently!
We spent most of the afternoon at my mums caravan with all the family and Jacob seemed to really enjoy himself, which was quite surprising with so many people there. He had quite a late night too by the time we left so was quite unsettled most of the night, but he stayed in his own bed all night which was brilliant.

Lou and Aaron asked if they could take Jacob out for a couple of hours on Sunday afternoon. They've looked after him before so I wasn't worried at all. And he loves them so was more than happy to go! Rich and me went to Tesco on our own which was really weird! Jacob came back all ready for a nap after Lou's dad played football with him and he was running around her garden but he decided sleep was not on the cards! He has been so funny with sleeping still and his naps are all over the place. Any tips would be greatly appreciated!!! 

Food nightmares and fundraising events.

We have had an absolute nightmare with food this week. Jacob hasn't wanted to eat hardly a thing, and he's redecorated our living room almost everyday with the food he's thrown up the walls. He's eaten his toast for breakfast most mornings, then won't touch hardly a thing the rest of the day unless it's a digestive from the biscuit tin or fruit, yoghurt or cucumber. Which is normally a tell tale sign of teething with him. And we've also continued with the horrendous nights and getting him into our bed just to get some sleep. So after checking today, there's a nice big molar on its way through! Hopefully it won't last too long. Why can't every single tooth come at once then it's all done and dusted?! 

We went to Wild & Wacky on Tuesday for the first time in ages, Jo Jingles doesn't run during the school holidays and we've just not ended up going there to be honest. Jo Jingles starts again on Monday so we will back to our weekly trips. It was the first time I'd taken Jacob since he has started walking too and he seemed to enjoy himself much more. A little boy got a bit heavy handed with him and was basically dragging Jacob around by the back of his tshirt and I went into full on crazy protective mum mode. I didn't enjoy it but I think my crazed glare at the little boy did the trick as he didn't go near him again. I know kids mean no harm most of the time but it's so easy to get all crazy lioness when you see your little ones taking a pasting from another kid. I am like it with Teddy too. When I was pregnant, this kid that was about 5 years older than Teddy, who wasn't even 2 at the time, shoved him out of one of those ride ons that every parent tries to avoid outside the supermarket. Teddy literally came out of it backwards and landed on his back. So I got up thinking I was all brave (pregnancy hormones trick you into thinking you're tough. And I am not tough.) and started shouting about how people should be watching their children, only to find the parents were sitting on the table next to me with far too many empty wine glasses on. Awkward. I thought I was going to be killed by a table of tanked up women. Anyways, other than the little boy carrying Jacob around like a ragdoll, it was quite good fun. He slept well in the afternoon! Somehow we are back to two naps a day, but I'm not complaining at the moment because with the sleepless nights, I quite appreciate the extra break.

Finally climbing things at Wild & Wacky.

Jacob is slowly starting to fit into some of his 9-12 months clothing. I love this outfit. The tshirt is from Next, the joggers are H&M, his bibble is from It's A Bibble and his trainers are Converse.

We were asked by CHECT if we would go to a fundraising event on Friday. It was to meet a group of 32 cyclists that are doing the Ride4Sight in order to raise money for The Childhood Eye Cancer Trust. Its a 150 mile bike ride from Stratford to Nottingham over two days. CHECT have done so much for us, so we were more than happy to go and talk to people and thank the cyclists for what they're doing for the charity. So far they've raised over £25k which is unbelievable. We met a few other families which was lovely as it is always nice to talk to other people going through what we are. The hotel where the meeting was was lovely. We had tea and cake and everyone knows I love some free food. We met Darren Harris who had Rb as a child and has been left with almost no sight at all and he is now a paralympian, playing football for Great Britain. Meeting him was such a pleasure and he is such an inspiration. It really made me see that Jacob will still be able to do almost anything he wants to. Jacob was a bit overwhelmed by all the new faces and everyone chatting to him but he did really well. We hadn't planned anything for dinner as we thought we'd just grab something on the way home, but not all the cyclists arrived at once and we didn't want to seem rude and leave but the charity arranged for the hotel to cook Jacob some dinner which was so kind of them. I was quite apprehensive about going to the event as I get so emotional at things like that but I am so glad we went. It was a really lovely afternoon and Jacob had a fab time running around like he owned the place! 

Strolling around like he owns the place.

Rocking his oversized CHECT tshirt.

Some of the cyclists arriving.

 Picnic! 

A Good Day!

Today we had Jacobs usual two weekly check up at the Royal London Hospital. We were switched to the afternoon list yesterday which was a bit last minute, and I always dread it more as Jacob is awake and nil by mouth for a lot longer than if he was on the morning list. He can't eat after 7.30am on the day when he's on the afternoon list, so when he point blank refused his breakfast this morning, I knew it was going to be a tough one. They always seem to run later in the afternoons, which means Jacob goes nearly 24hours without eating if he refuses his breakfast. Luckily, he went down to theatre around 2.35 today which was much better than usual. We've waited til nearly 5pm before. He went absolutely crazy this time while being put to sleep, 3 nurses had to help hold him down because he somehow gets the strength of an angry Dr Bruce Banner when he spies the gas mask. I thought we'd turned a corner at the last check up as he wasn't too bad, but nope. His little face just staring at me as if to say "Mummy, why are you doing this to me again?" Is absolutely heartbreaking. But as always, I just think "it's got to be done." While he's down in theatre we always go to the restaurant to kill time. And for me to eat whatever hot pudding they have with custard. It's like what you used to have at school! Absolutely delicious. The only perk of a normally stressful day and being a little food piggy, I actually look forward to it. And today, someone must have been doing some voodoo on me because they sold out. And it was apricot crumble. ANY kind of crumble is my favourite. I very nearly cried in the middle of the hospital restaurant. I settled with a disgusting chicken salad sandwich and a snickers. But by the time we got back to the ward, they were ready for me to collect Jacob from recovery so my food hardly got touched anyways! He'd only been gone 30 minutes which made me think that he hadn't had any treatment. He's normally gone around an hour. I daren't say anything to Rich though as I didn't want to jinx it. But I was right! Jacob didn't need any treatment and his tumour was stable. This hasn't happened since he was having chemo. I honestly feel like I've won the lottery. We've got a four week gap until we are there again, we've not had this for so long that I think I'm going to feel a bit lost in two weeks when we would normally be going. I'm not going to carry on like this is it and it is coming to an end because I am sure Jacob will need more treatment in the future. But for now I'm just enjoying today's news and a bigger break between appointments! We literally do take each appointment as it comes as we know it can be so different every time. But today was a good one!

Setup for the day, Frozen on the tablet and books in hand...

The only bottle he still has, post EUA. 

Inhaling his blueberries after he finally wakes up...

On a different note, Jacob has started to take steps! I was quite worried about this as I thought this may be where he fell behind in his development. We were told that he may have developmental delays due to the chemo, but he crawled at 7 months which I've heard is quite early and he's brilliant at climbing and playing with toys and he says quite a few words. So the only thing really left was walking. He's so unsteady still and to be honest I think a bit lazy too! Because he can crawl and has crawled for so long, he knows he can get around that way so just does that. But he is getting funnier and becoming his own little person more each day. Since our road trip last week, he's become obsessed with Frozen. He will sit there for the whole hour and a half staring at the screen. And then if I put it on again, he does it again. I'm going to have to start a "tv time" rule. 

Here comes trouble...

"Do you wanna build a snowman?"

Oh, and incase you were wondering, we are still teething at an alarming rate. I should have shares in Teetha granules and Calpol... 

Teething tantrums and road trips.

I know what we are going through as parents is extremely challenging, but this teething business is definitely one of the most testing times of being a mum. Jacobs illness doesn't affect him in anyway day to day. When we used to have bloods taken every Monday through his port, and go into hospital for platelet transfusions, it never bothered him. It was over within ten minutes and he'd be back to his happy self. But this boy has been teething for what seems like forever and in the last week it has really kicked up a notch. He has about six teeth cutting which I think must be the last ones as he has had what seems like a new tooth every other day. He is screaming all the time, and if he isn't screaming, he's swinging off the stair gate growling his little head off. And if he isn't doing either of these, he's hanging off my trousers sobbing his little heart out because the little evil white buds of death are tearing through his gums. In between writing this, I've been running up and down the stairs trying to rock him off to sleep. (And if you know me, you know I will do anything before rocking him to sleep!)

We resorted to taking him out in the car, (in his new big boy car seat!) as even the rocking to sleep wasn't working tonight. The second I lay him back in his cot, he was up again and screaming. I was meant to be going to my friends house so Rich dropped me off in the hope it would calm down the crazed banshee that's replaced Jacob for the night. And shock horror it did, he's been snoring like a little piglet ever since. I'm just waiting for the 3am teething tantrum now...

Yesterday we took a little road trip to see Rich's family in Norwich. I'm not a fan of car rides myself as I get so travel sick and need to pee every five minutes, and the only way to make me feel better is to literally eat the whole journey, so I request a pit stop at every petrol station on the way to get more food/diet coke/to pee. That teamed with a teething baby is just a road trip disaster waiting to happen. And that's what happened. We left at Jacobs naptime in the hope he'd sleep the whole way. Just over the halfway mark with about 40 miles to go, he wakes up absolutely screaming his head off, and growling, which is his new thing. So I get in the back, try feeding him, try giving him a drink, medicine, teetha granules. He was having none of it, just looking at me with his fingers in the back of his mouth, screaming. So having to pull over into one of those lay-bys on the motorway that are designed for lorry drivers wasn't my idea of fun. But there I was, marching up and down the motorway lay-by, bouncing Jacob up and down, singing Jo Jingles to him. And he was still screaming. Twenty minutes later, I decide that dancing in the rain wasn't working, and to be honest, the amount of people driving past looking at me like I'd lost my mind was starting to get annoying. "I've got a teething baby!!!!" 

Back in the car, with me in the back seat which does nothing for my travel sickness, trying to calm him down. I finally give in and turn to gadgets and the internet. And so we spent the rest of the journey watching Elsa from Frozen sing "Let It Go". Sixty million times. 

By the time we arrived to Rich's parents, I'd learnt all the words and had a pounding headache. The drive home was absolutely fine, except for the M11 being closed at our junction, which always makes a journey fun. We managed to avoid most of the disruption and get home just in time for Jacobs dinner.  

As nice as it was to see everyone, I'm not in a rush to do that journey again until all the little white pegs have made their appearance!

It's now 12.30am and part of me doesn't even see the point in going to sleep (I'm normally in bed by 9pm!) as I'm sure he will be awake as soon as I drift off! Clueless is on, and if I drank coffee, it would definitely be on the agenda for tonight. 

Thank god for Calpol!!! 

Enjoying a chocolate biscuit while watching Frozen, for the zillionth time at Grandma's house.