Do they really have to grow up?

I had a really good cry tonight. I haven't cried properly in ages. Like, I cry at the Christmas adverts, and at that bit in Toy Story 3 where all of the toys are heading to their death in the furnace, but I haven't had a "proper cry" in ages. It all started with viewing a primary school... Jacob is due to start next September, and although I know it's been coming, apparently I hadn't actually, fully accepted that it was happening. Until tonight. Basically, I had my heart totally set on this one school, that I hadn't even viewed, but I have heard amazing things about it and their OFSTED report is also brilliant. But it turns out, none of that actually matters. Because when I walked in, it was such a crazy, tight, cluttered layout that all I could think of was how overwhelming and scary it was going to be for Jacob. And how many accident forms I would be filling out each week. Now, don't get me wrong, I know I've only viewed one school, and they may all be like this, but all I wanted to do was turn and run. And homeschool him. They have to just "get on with it" from the start, so you don't take them into the classroom on their first day, they just go, find their pegs, hang their stuff up and go. And then they go collect their school dinner, scrape their own plate, put their cutlery in one bowl and then pile their trays up. All totally acceptable. But I know Jacob won't be able to do this without help, and I know help will be available but I hadn't fully grasped the concept that this is when this disease was actually going to start affecting his life. It's obviously affected him his whole life, but I've always been there to hold his hand, to help him. I know how he likes certain things, how he does certain things, how he works things out because he can't see. And I honestly can't bear the thought of him going off on his own. I sound like he's leaving home, but I really didn't realise that this was when the visual impairment that the bastard cancer left behind was going to become an issue. Which is probably the most naive I have ever been. Except for that time I thought two babies would be a breeze...

I'm branching out now and planning on viewing schools I hadn't even considered because of where they are etc. But as Jacob will have a Health Care Plan in place when he starts, he gets more of a choice. It isn't decided on catchment area or siblings for him. So he kind of has the pick of the bunch, which I wasn't going to take advantage of, but think I may do now. Has anyone else had their heart set on a school, only to view it and be disappointed?

Why do our babies have to grow up?

Two kids is tough!

Like the title says...oh my goodness. My biggest fear when Alba was born was that she would get reflux. Jacob had it and it was absolutely horrendous. He ended up on lactose free milk and about four different medicines. I remember spending hours pacing the garden in a bid to get him to stop crying and to sleep. So, when Alba was born, I bought anti reflux bottles and a sleep positioner that keeps the baby at a slight angle. I also made sure I kept her upright when feeding and for a while after. But the reflux god had other plans. After what I originally thought was colic, a horrendous red rash, violent hiccups, sneezing like crazy after feeds and more sick than I have ever seen (out of her nose and everything!) set the alarm bells ringing. A little visit from the health visitor confirmed it all. Alba has reflux and a big fat milk allergy. Fancy bottles be damned. They don't prevent a thing! For the last two weeks, I've spent most evenings, actually most of the day alternating between crying and wanting to scream. Alba literally could not be put down until about two days ago. Literally, if I even motioned to put her down, she started this horrendous screaming like someone was yanking her limbs off. It took me hours to get ready, and I spent the best part of the morning jumping in and out of the shower, running around in my underwear or sitting on the bed crying because I literally couldn't stop holding/rocking her for more than 30 seconds. I actually started to get up before the kids woke so I could get ready for the day. Everyone would say "don't worry! Stay in your PJ's!" But I can't do that, I never have been able to. I have to get up and get ready for the day. And I have never been one to ask for help. But I definitely needed it the last two weeks. My sister has been brilliant. Coming over after dropping Teddy at school so I can get things done. Needless to say, my house looked like something off of Kim and Aggy for a while there. Alba was given a prescription for lactose free milk on Thursday and since then she has slowly gotten better. She even fell asleep in her Moses basket by herself yesterday afternoon! I had to take a photo and send it to my Mum who is on holiday because I was so excited. Hopefully the stinky lactose free milk is the answer to our troubles!
Needless to say, Jacob has had a lot of TV and iPad time during the last couple of weeks. I have honestly felt like the worst mother in the world to him. All he has heard between Alba's cries is "in a minute". During the odd time that Alba has slept for more than ten minutes, I have done my best to give him all of my attention. Everyone says "he won't remember!" which is fine, but I will. We are slowly getting back into a routine and Alba has started to sleep for longer stretches in the night. Jacob didn't sleep through and had a bottle in the night until he was about 14 months, so I'm seeing it as a bonus if she sleeps through anytime in the next 12 months!

Alba has started smiling which has been lovely! Not very much I might add, but it's crazy how one little gummy smile can make you feel better when you feel like hiding in the bathroom with the door locked! 

A few photos from the last few weeks...

We went fruit picking at a farm near my sisters house, it was so lovely! Definitely recommend it. I had never been which was mortifying to Rich as he used to always go as a kid.

Jacob had his six month oncology checkup at Great Ormond Street last month, he's doing really well and now doesn't have to go back for a year! We still have to go to The Royal London regularly and we are there this Wednesday. Jacob has now been stable for a year which is amazing! Obviously this can change at any time but hopefully not! We got the train for the first time, I thought Jacob would love it, but he clung to Rich and me for dear life. I HATE the tube, I just get so travel sick and hate the millions of people and shoving around. Basically, I'm a wimp. He was a bit braver on the way home and had a little look out of the window. As soon as we got off, he was asking to go back on. Typcal!

This is hard work!

I just haven't had the energy to write a blog post this week. And the only reason I'm writing this one is purely so I can moan to someone else about how hideous I feel because I think my family and the few close friends who already know, might just kill me if I moan to them anymore. We found out 3 weeks ago that we are expecting baby number two. While I was absolutely shocked, we hadn't officially started trying and Jacob took a year to conceive, Rich was over the moon. Dont get me wrong, I am so pleased. I always wanted about a two year age gap between Jacob and his sibling, and it probably would have been less if Jacob wasn't poorly. But while being shocked and pleased, all I could think was that I didn't want to feel as sick as I did with Jacob. And silly me, I thought I would get away with the feeling like a sack of crap for 3 months, "every pregnancy is different" and all that! But my god, this time it has been SO much worse. I was quite sick with Jacob, actually throwing up every morning without fail until about 14 weeks in. But by lunchtime, I felt myself again. This time round, it is lasting ALL DAY but I'm not actually being sick. Now, ask anyone who knows me, I am a pathetic ill person. For brief moments I will just get on with it, but since having Jacob, I am truly pathetic. A shame to those mums on the Boots advert that are running around after a sick family while battling the plague themselves. Whether work distracted me last time, or it just wasn't as bad, I honestly don't know how I'm going to get through another possibly 7 weeks of this. I have tried absolutely everything to help, ginger beer, ginger tea, fresh root ginger tea, ginger biscuits, dry crackers, polos, dry toast. Nothing has worked. And the only thing I want to eat is McDonalds fries. Good pregnancy diet. Running around after Jacob has been so hard too, and I have had so many days where I have felt like the worst mother in the world because I've vegetated on the sofa all day. My house is a mess and Jacob is just wreaking havoc. I've spent almost every night crying to Rich about how Jacob must hate me for missing Jo Jingles last week because I felt so ropey, I couldn't face going. Or how he had spaghetti on toast for dinner last night because I felt so sick, I couldn't face cooking anything else. Evidently, Jacob doesn't care because he still smacks me in the face or is my best pal when he gets some chocolate buttons, which has been a lot more often recently!!
Rich has been brilliant the last week or so, before that he just told me to get on with it. It took a full blown crying meltdown for him to realise how rubbish I felt. This is probably my fault for being a pathetic ill person anyway so he probably thought it was nothing different. Except it is, it is like the hangover from hell that lasts for weeks. Everyone says "but it will be worth it." Yes it will, but right now I want to smack you in the face and go cry into my pillow about how tired I am and how all I want to do is enjoy a meal without fear of seeing it in reverse. I honestly think women are amazing for going through this time and time again. I've said a few times that this is the last one now. My mum said if it isn't a girl, I have to keep going until she gets a grandaughter. If they can give her my morning sickness, I'll have ten more! I absolutely loved being pregnant after the sickness passed with Jacob, I really hope this time is the same. I'm worried Jacob is going to start reporting me for neglecting him. We went to Jo Jingles this week, which I'm glad we did because he really seemed to enjoy it this time and toddled off around the soft play after all by himself. He managed to find his way to the huge slide in the middle and went skidding down it on his own. I obviously panicked and was trying to navigate my way through Wild 'n' Wacky at lightening speed, which did nothing but give me a nice bruise on my back where I forgot I am way too big to crawl under one of the gaps to the slide. But turns out there was no need to panic. My little beast didn't even need me. Another reason I cried yesterday. While I have absolutely no intention of publishing this post until after our scan. Its felt good to write it out somewhere else!

Its that time of year...

So this week our whole house has come down with a cold. Which might explain the unhappy boy we had for the beginning of the week. I always feel so guilty if Jacob is going through a fussy or clingy stage for a few days then comes down with something. Especially after I've left him to cry it out or tried the tough love approach. This is why babies should be born with the ability to talk! It would be much more helpful! But then I guess that would take the fun out of it. On Thursday night, I walked round to our shop, and when I say walk, I went REALLY slowly as it had been a long day with Jacob being extremely miserable and not wanting anyone but me. We had run out of calpol and Jacob was getting snottier by the minute, so I was like "I'll go!" As awful as I felt, I just needed five minutes peace. I was stood in the shop armed with calpol, biscuits and diet coke and was just standing staring at the chocolate and the shop assistant looked at me, laughed and said "Can't decide what you want?" And I just laughed and said "nope!" When actually all I wanted to do was cry and say "my little boy has a cold and I don't know what to do!!!!" It's so silly, but Jacobs cancer doesn't actually show any symptoms, he isn't "ill" with it. When he was having chemo he was obviously ill quite alot, but I always knew how to deal with it. Give me a baby with a cold and I'm useless. On Thursday night, Rich slept on the sofa as Jacob wouldn't settle anywhere but in our bed, and as he had work, it made sense for him to sleep downstairs where he would get a decent night's sleep. Jacob was so restless all night, I think I must have had about an hours sleep in total. Jacob was still quite ropey Friday but slept much better that night, he stayed in his own cot until around 4 when he wouldn't settle back off so into our bed he came! Back into that bad habit again! He wouldn't give in and go back to sleep so by 5.45, Rich got up with him so I could get a couple hours sleep. When Rich gets up with him, the minute I appear at the bottom of the stairs, Jacob goes nuts and becomes a mega mummy's boy. (Which I secretly love) So yesterday, he was in extra "need mummy" mode. I literally couldn't get dressed until about 2pm, which I absolutely hate doing. I have to get up, have my cup of tea, get washed and get dressed otherwise it wrecks me for the day. It must be where Jacob gets the routine OCD from! Jacob slept until around 7am this morning which was so much better and it seemed to do him the world of good as he was much much happier. Thank goodness! He didn't even cry when I put him down on the sofa and went to make his milk. He hasn't napped again all morning and just as I was dishing up Sunday lunch, Rich sat with him on the sofa and within about 10 seconds he was asleep! Typical. He took a long time to settle in bed tonight which is unlike him but definitely seemed much better! I'm so glad because we have his check up at The Royal London on Wednesday and they won't see him if he's poorly! I'm so nervous for this check up as six weeks is the longest break we've ever had between appointments. I will obviously be over the moon if he is still stable, but I never go with that expectation because I don't like to set myself up for disappointment. But on the other hand, because he's done so well and not needed treatment for nearly 3 months, I think I'll be gutted if he does need treatment. But you can't plan for these things and you can't tell the future, so as always, we will deal with whatever happens on the day the same way we always do.

He actually ate today! Demanded a banana, so a banana he got! 

 As he was in a good mood, we did some baking. Well Jacob launched cake mix up the walls.

 I'm a terrible baker, so we cheated and used a Peppa Pig box mix! 

Spending quality time with Lex.