Family Days.

I really look forward to Rich's days off at the moment. I think it's probably because since being given a four week break, I know that a day off doesn't mean we have a hospital appointment. Sundays are usually my favourite. We don't have to be doing anything, I just love us all spending the day together. This Sunday, we just spent the day in the garden. Jacob absolutely loves being outside. Whether it's bright sunshine or raining, he wants to be out there. We ate breakfast out there, I made American pancakes (from scratch!!!) and Jacob ate them, which I was really happy about. Although I could give that kid anything and he'd eat it. Something he gets from me I think, Rich is so unbelievably fussy when it comes to food and I was determined for Jacob not be like that. I will eat anything, except corned beef. That isn't real food. It freaks me out. I had a bit of a baking bug on Sunday too and I'd had an Ella's Kitchen Pear and Raspberry oaty crumble recipe that I'd wanted to make for ages but just hadn't gotten round to it. I was really impressed with how it turned out because I'm actually pretty useless at baking. We had it for pudding after dinner, I ate so much I felt sick afterward.

Jacob has gotten really into books lately, he absolutely loves the "That's not my..." collection and "Dear Zoo." He has to be read "Dear Zoo" every night before bed and he lifts all the flaps himself. I love this because it shows how well he copes with the one eye because they are quite fiddly but he manages just fine. The same with the "That's not my..." books. They have little touchy feely bits on the pages and he can see the difference straight away and goes straight for them. 

Book morning.

My two most favourite people.

Enjoying my homemade crumble. The recipe is from Ella's Kitchen "The Red One Cook Book." Or you can get it here on the Mother & Baby website.

It was so nice so I'd recommend it! Really easy to do too.

It was my brothers birthday on Monday and he loves animals and wildlife so we arranged to go to Colchester Zoo. I couldn't wait because Jacob absolutely loves animals too so I knew he'd enjoy it. We went with my brother Aaron, his girlfriend Lou and her sister Ashleigh came along too. I love Colchester Zoo but it's like a maze! They have one "easy" route that they recommended for wheelchair users or people with strollers, but it looked like it skipped half of the animals. So we just wandered around, getting lost and going back on ourselves. But we saw everything so that didn't matter! It turns out they'd mapped put the easier route for a reason, pushing Jacob's stroller up some of the "non-easy route" hills was a nightmare, especially when I'd loaded it up with a picnic for six (which included 8 cans of diet coke!) plus Jacobs stuff. I definitely got a work out included in my entry fee. 

We fed the elephants while we were there which I couldn't wait to do, I took Jacob with me and he just kept trying to grab hold of it's trunk. The kid actually has no fear. He tried to climb over the fence to go hang out with the monkeys at one point too. He didn't have a nap which was great because he didn't miss anything, so I was expecting some grumpiness towards the end but he was brilliant. And he was carried around by Lou and her sister which was amazing because he had started to get quite clingy the last few months and not wanting to go to anybody. He absolutely loves Lou anyway, but took such a shine to her sister. He was just staring at her and smiling all the time. One year old and already trying to get a girlfriend!!! 

Jacob slept the whole way home which was good because we were having everyone over for takeaway and birthday cake so he had a little bit more of a late night than usual. And slept til 7am this morning! Which is glorious! We have a play date with Jonah today which I love because they've started to really notice each other now and they're like little friends. 

I'm off to clear up all the Cheerios that have just been launched across the living room. Have a great day!

He's getting too grown up...

My family.

Uncle Aaron and Lou Lou.

I want one. 

He wants to be a monkey.

xo

Amazing friends.

As a family, we have been so lucky with the support we've recieved from family, friends and strangers. I honesty can't value peoples support enough. I have a group of friends that have all had babies around the same time so all of our kids have no more than a couple of months between them. It has been amazing to watch them grow up together and although they say not to compare, if it wasn't for my friends babies, I may have not realised there was something wrong with Jacob. My friend Laura had her little boy Jonah 11 days after Jacob. And since they were a few weeks old we've seen each other every week, sometimes twice. When Jacob was about 12 weeks old, so Jonah was about 10 weeks, Laura came over for a play date. Although at 10 and 12 weeks, it was more like a nap date and we would sit and drink tea and eat chocolate digestives by the packet. Jonah's eyes would follow me around the room, watch everything I was doing. And it was then I realised something really wasn't right with Jacob. He didn't watch or follow. He wasn't interested in anything. Jonah's eyes locked onto me. And Jacob just stared into space. It was this night after my sister noticed it too, that I finally decided to have a little look online and google the white reflection in Jacobs eye. To which all that came up was "Retinoblastoma." I just knew that was what he had. I'd spent the last six weeks telling everyone he was blind and to be told I was being crazy and perhaps he just hadn't developed as quickly as other kids. But as soon as it came up on google, I just knew it was that. We went straight to A & E, where they referred us to the eye clinic the next day. And it was then that they said they think that's what Jacob had. They can't "officially" diagnose as it is such a rare disease and only a few doctors in the country specialise in it. But I knew it was that. Mothers instinct they say. I thought that was a load of rubbish when I'd heard about it before. But now, if you're a mum, you know best. No matter what. You may be overreacting or panicking. But mothers instinct is powerful. I know. 

I can't even tell you how grateful I am that Laura came round that day. I still say to this day that if it wasn't for her and Jonah, I may have left it longer and Jacobs condition may have been a lot worse than it is.  

Since then, we have become so close. All of my friends have been so wonderful. Laura and Katherine were two of the first people I told when we found out about Jacob. Katherine has Eva, who is 11 days older than Jacob. She is hilarious. Has the boys wrapped round her little finger, much to her dads dismay! They never ever treated Jacob or me any different, no head tilts, no pity faces. We just carried on as normal. And it was so amazing. On bad days, I can explode onto them and they are so unbelievably honest with me. And sometimes that is exactly what I need. Laura can just say something and it's like a slap in the face and makes me realise that I'm being an idiot or talking rubbish. And normally I'd probably cry at someone being so brutally honest with me, but since Jacob got poorly, it is so appreciated. Because I can get wrapped up in me sometimes and it's so nice to have someone there to snap me out of it. But on the other hand, they remind me that it's okay to be upset and to be angry and to cry. I cannot value their friendship highly enough. And even though we've only been really close for a year, I honestly don't know how I would have gotten through the last year without them. As with all of my other friends with children, the friendship that you have together as mothers is so amazing. At the risk of sounding a bit hippy like, it really is an amazing bond you have. From talking about teething, to sleep troubles to explosive nappies, it is so amazing to know that, chances are, everyone is in the same boat. And you're not the only one awake at 3am scrambling under the cot for a dummy, or not the only one on the brink of a meltdown because you're so tired. I am very lucky to have the friends I have, especially when at times, I probably haven't been the best friend I could be because I've been too busy because of a blood transfusion or a line infection or another doctors trip. Jacob is so so lucky to have such wonderful people in his life.  When he was first diagnosed, we were overwhelmed with the generosity of people. Whether it was gifts, or money, or just the unbelievable support of people. Including strangers. It reminds you that there are still some amazing people in this world that also has so much negativity in it. And that is something worth remembering.

Eva and Jacob. 

 

Big J and little J. Joney and Jakey. 

The first official meeting of the troublesome trio. 

Playdates and immunisations.

My friend Kayleigh asked if I would look after her little girl Darcie for a few hours on Monday. I jumped at the chance as I absolutely love her and she loves Jacob. They are so cute together. She's two next month so there's about 9 months between them. She looks after Jacob when she's with him, the way she goes upto him and leans over and checks he's okay and offers him his drink is absolutely adorable. Jacob went for his afternoon nap not long after Darcie got here and the whole time she kept asking where he was. She just kept going "Jacob?". She associates him with slides as we go to Wild and Wacky together a lot and Jacob tends to climb up the slide while Darcie is trying to go down. 

My friend Laura was here with Jacobs BFF Jonah, and my sister was also here with Teddy so it was rather chaotic! Luckily the weather was good so they were all playing outside. My neighbours probably think I'm running some back alley crèche. 

Darcie is so well behaved, I knew I wouldn't have any trouble handling her and Jacob together. Makes me think another one of my own will be a piece of cake (yeah right.) I do keep threatening to kidnap Darcie, but her dad John didn't seem too keen on the idea...

Char Char's Nursery. 

Playing house.

Buddies.

Today, we had the first of Jacob's immunisations post chemo. He only had the 8 week ones first time round as he was diagnosed with Rb at 12 weeks and we actually had to cancel his 12 week lot due to his first appointment at the Royal London Hospital. It was then we found out he would be having chemotherapy so we were advised by his consultant not to continue with them. For a couple of reasons, one being that his bloods and immunity will probably be too low and it's too risky to inject him with live viruses. And the second was that the chemo would wipe out any immunity he had anyway so effectively would wipe out the vaccines. We've had to time his injections around his RLH visits too because if he was to get a fever in the week or so before going there, whether it be from teething or a vaccine or a cold, the anaesthetists can refuse to see him and to put him to sleep. And obviously his appointments at RLH are a priority to us so that always came first. Luckily, with the amazing news last week and our four week break, we've been able to fit them in.

He is due to have them all again, so the 8, 12 and 16 week ones and then the one year MMR. The nurse gave me the choice of him having all 5 injections today, then the boosters in a month, or we could spread them out a little bit. I opted for the latter as I didn't want him to have all of them and completely knock him for six. He had the MMR today too which I wasn't expecting. I know there are so many mixed feelings about this vaccine, and Rich and me have spoken about it, but at the end of the day, with everything Jacob has gone through and the fact that if he was to get any of the illnesses, his cancer treatment could be delayed, there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted him to have it. Yes, he could easily get over measles but if it delayed his cancer treatment, would it be worth it? Never. 

He was so, so brave. I was so nervous that I asked my sister to come with me. I went with her for Teddy's one year vaccinations and it was absolutely hideous. He was sat on Sophie's lap all happy and laughing at me and then the nurse stuck the needles in and his face absolutely dropped and it was the most heartbreaking little face ever. I can still see it now. So ever since then, I'd always said whenever I had a baby, Sophie could come with me and go through it herself. She'd offered to help pin him if he went mad, but to be honest, after pinning him every other week for when he's put to sleep, I knew I'd be okay. He was easy enough to keep still and the nurse was pretty speedy. He let out a little whimper after the last one but was fine after about ten seconds. I was honestly so shocked, but he's so used to being messed about with and prodded and poked that I don't know why I was surprised he wasn't bothered. So sad really. But he is so strong. Makes mummy look like a big wimp. The nurse at our GP surgery was so lovely, she said how wonderful it was to see Jacob and how well he's doing. He's a little bit of a celebrity down there. Everytime I ring, I get, "oh Jacob! The little boy with the poorly eye?" Yes, that's him. One time we went, and the doctor we saw grabbed some nurses going by and was introducing him to everyone. I've been going to the same surgery my whole life and it's pretty much all the same doctors so it's pretty crazy sometimes. They see so many people everyday, so it's quite touching they remember us. 

Jacob seemed happy enough after, I'd gotten the calpol at the ready just in case. He went down for his nap as normal, happy. But woke up like an angry little monster. Normally after a drink and a snack, he's back to himself. But he did not stop crying, following me around and hanging off my leg. Which was very difficult while I was trying to hang washing out. There was only one thing for it, the washing got left in the basket in a big wet pile and we watched Frozen. 

Rich brought him home a new castle tent for his room for being brave. And I'd only told the nurses earlier that he isn't spoilt. If any of you are reading this, I wasn't lying! Promise! 

I'm expecting a rough night with him, but hopefully he'll sleep well and there will be no fevers in this house! Calpol is like a little godsend to me now as we went so long with Jacob not being able to have it because of the chemo. (It can hide a fever which can be an infection in their Hickman line/port-a-cath) Through teething and colds and coughs, we just had to let him ride it out. It took me so long after his chemo had finished to even give him any calpol or nurofen through fear of a missed infection or something. But as silly as it sounds, I am so grateful for it now. Especially with the teething! 

As I'm finishing writing this, Rich and me are tag teaming trying to settle Jacob, looks like post immunisation grumpiness doesn't like to sleep...

The king of the castle. 

Mummy trying to get in on the action!

Thankyou for reading!x 

Cousins and heatwaves.

After the amazing news on Wednesday, I woke up still smiling Thursday morning. I work Thursdays for a few hours every week. Just so I have some grown up time really. I absolutely hate leaving Jacob, even if it is only for 4 hours. I just love being at home with him. I dread going into work. Once I'm there, I'm fine. There's still a few of the team that were there before I went on mat leave, and it's like old times when I work with them so I feel like me again for a little while. Not mummy Char. Getting out the door for work is always chaos, no matter what time I start. I have always been a bit of a flapper and need to pee ten million times before I leave the house. My mum said when I was a kid, if the house was on fire she's sure I would have to pee before getting out. I like to make sure everything is sorted for Jacob for the day, no matter who is looking after him. It's normally Rich but now and again my sister Sophie will have him. She's got my nephew, Teddy who's 3 so I really love it when she has him because it's more kid time for Jacob. They're hilarious together. We are currently battling "learning to share." When we found out we were having a boy, my brother in law Ross was so excited for Teddy to be getting a little boy cousin. So they'd grow up more like friends. There's 2 years and 2 days between them. We all lived in fear around Teddy's birthday party that I was going to go into labour, but he held off for 3 days. Luckily! I don't think Sophie would have let me live it down if I'd had him on Teddys birthday! We were all a bit nervous when Teddy was to meet Jacob as he had always had all of my attention, and to be honest, I did love to spoil him. I'd get in trouble all the time for buying him presents. It's obviously slowed down since Jacob was born as maternity leave didn't pay quite as well as full time work! Teddy looked so confused when he came to meet Jacob in hospital. And I think it was a little bit tough for him to have to "share" me. But because Jacob is now interacting more, Teddy enjoys him so much. We can leave them to play together now. He really looks after him and I absolutely love it. He knows about Jacobs eye too. We didn't really teach him, but it shows how much kids take in. He used to say "Jacob's eye poorly." And point to him. And if I show him one of Jacobs artificial eyes and ask him what it is, he goes "Jacobs eye!" And then puts it over his own eye. Which he finds absolutely hilarious. I'm really glad they've got each other growing up. And because we see each other so often, they'll probably be more like brothers, causing havoc as little rogue teenagers!!! I'm sure I'll have parents knocking at the door when they're a bit older telling me they've done something or another. I really hope that doesn't happen though!

Teddy & Jacob, Day 5. 💙

Yes, we dress them in matching outfits!

Feeding the duckies. 

Like most parents, I absolutely dread it being this hot. I love it but it just makes normally happy babies turn into miserable, sleepy little bags of grumpiness. And sleep normally goes out the window. It was nearly 35 degrees where we live yesterday. And it was so uncomfortable. Even for a heat fiend like me. I had everything out in the garden, paddling pool, water table, tunnels, slides, the lot. Half of my garden stays shaded for most of the day so Jacob can still enjoy being outside. I'm a bit obsessive with the sun cream though, reapplying his factor 50 every half an hour. Which was a massive fail as it made his eczema flare up like crazy. Excellent parenting choice! Although I'd rather he wasn't at risk of getting burnt. Jacob wasn't too bad in the heat yesterday, although he has a massive fear of his paddling pool. Which is weird as he absolutely loves the bath! Towards the end of the day, the water in his water table was so warm, I turned round to find him trying to climb into it. The kid obviously needs a hot tub! 

I don't know about anyone else, but eating seems to go out the window when it's this hot too. He is normally a brilliant eater, but yesterday it seemed food was not his friend. The only thing he seemed to really want was these "Suckies" yoghurt pouches. I think he ate about 4 by the end of the day! Everything else he fed to the dog. Naturally, I dreaded bedtime. His room was nearly 30 degrees (thanks Gro-Egg!) and he's a very warm baby anyway. Someone said the best thing is a cool bath before bed and put him to bed in just a nappy. So I did this, expecting an extreme kick up once he was in the cot. But no, straight to sleep he went. Thinking it was too good to be true, I clock watched for about 3 hours, no wake ups. He slept through until 5.30am! Could not believe it. He rarely sleeps through anyway, so I really expected a bad night with the heat. Saturday is my lay in day too, Rich gets up with him on a Saturday morning, so today I feel much more refreshed than normal. So I recommend a cool bath, just a nappy and clock watching on a night like last night! Seems to do the trick. (I'm sure I won't be saying this tomorrow morning because it was actually just a coincidence!) It is still so muggy today but I'm hoping Jacob isn't too much of a grump today. He is napping at the moment and after last nights storm, the garden is soaked so it looks like a Frozen marathon is happening today. Again. 

 Homemade hot tub.

Have a good weekend!

A Good Day!

Today we had Jacobs usual two weekly check up at the Royal London Hospital. We were switched to the afternoon list yesterday which was a bit last minute, and I always dread it more as Jacob is awake and nil by mouth for a lot longer than if he was on the morning list. He can't eat after 7.30am on the day when he's on the afternoon list, so when he point blank refused his breakfast this morning, I knew it was going to be a tough one. They always seem to run later in the afternoons, which means Jacob goes nearly 24hours without eating if he refuses his breakfast. Luckily, he went down to theatre around 2.35 today which was much better than usual. We've waited til nearly 5pm before. He went absolutely crazy this time while being put to sleep, 3 nurses had to help hold him down because he somehow gets the strength of an angry Dr Bruce Banner when he spies the gas mask. I thought we'd turned a corner at the last check up as he wasn't too bad, but nope. His little face just staring at me as if to say "Mummy, why are you doing this to me again?" Is absolutely heartbreaking. But as always, I just think "it's got to be done." While he's down in theatre we always go to the restaurant to kill time. And for me to eat whatever hot pudding they have with custard. It's like what you used to have at school! Absolutely delicious. The only perk of a normally stressful day and being a little food piggy, I actually look forward to it. And today, someone must have been doing some voodoo on me because they sold out. And it was apricot crumble. ANY kind of crumble is my favourite. I very nearly cried in the middle of the hospital restaurant. I settled with a disgusting chicken salad sandwich and a snickers. But by the time we got back to the ward, they were ready for me to collect Jacob from recovery so my food hardly got touched anyways! He'd only been gone 30 minutes which made me think that he hadn't had any treatment. He's normally gone around an hour. I daren't say anything to Rich though as I didn't want to jinx it. But I was right! Jacob didn't need any treatment and his tumour was stable. This hasn't happened since he was having chemo. I honestly feel like I've won the lottery. We've got a four week gap until we are there again, we've not had this for so long that I think I'm going to feel a bit lost in two weeks when we would normally be going. I'm not going to carry on like this is it and it is coming to an end because I am sure Jacob will need more treatment in the future. But for now I'm just enjoying today's news and a bigger break between appointments! We literally do take each appointment as it comes as we know it can be so different every time. But today was a good one!

Setup for the day, Frozen on the tablet and books in hand...

The only bottle he still has, post EUA. 

Inhaling his blueberries after he finally wakes up...

On a different note, Jacob has started to take steps! I was quite worried about this as I thought this may be where he fell behind in his development. We were told that he may have developmental delays due to the chemo, but he crawled at 7 months which I've heard is quite early and he's brilliant at climbing and playing with toys and he says quite a few words. So the only thing really left was walking. He's so unsteady still and to be honest I think a bit lazy too! Because he can crawl and has crawled for so long, he knows he can get around that way so just does that. But he is getting funnier and becoming his own little person more each day. Since our road trip last week, he's become obsessed with Frozen. He will sit there for the whole hour and a half staring at the screen. And then if I put it on again, he does it again. I'm going to have to start a "tv time" rule. 

Here comes trouble...

"Do you wanna build a snowman?"

Oh, and incase you were wondering, we are still teething at an alarming rate. I should have shares in Teetha granules and Calpol... 

Teething tantrums and road trips.

I know what we are going through as parents is extremely challenging, but this teething business is definitely one of the most testing times of being a mum. Jacobs illness doesn't affect him in anyway day to day. When we used to have bloods taken every Monday through his port, and go into hospital for platelet transfusions, it never bothered him. It was over within ten minutes and he'd be back to his happy self. But this boy has been teething for what seems like forever and in the last week it has really kicked up a notch. He has about six teeth cutting which I think must be the last ones as he has had what seems like a new tooth every other day. He is screaming all the time, and if he isn't screaming, he's swinging off the stair gate growling his little head off. And if he isn't doing either of these, he's hanging off my trousers sobbing his little heart out because the little evil white buds of death are tearing through his gums. In between writing this, I've been running up and down the stairs trying to rock him off to sleep. (And if you know me, you know I will do anything before rocking him to sleep!)

We resorted to taking him out in the car, (in his new big boy car seat!) as even the rocking to sleep wasn't working tonight. The second I lay him back in his cot, he was up again and screaming. I was meant to be going to my friends house so Rich dropped me off in the hope it would calm down the crazed banshee that's replaced Jacob for the night. And shock horror it did, he's been snoring like a little piglet ever since. I'm just waiting for the 3am teething tantrum now...

Yesterday we took a little road trip to see Rich's family in Norwich. I'm not a fan of car rides myself as I get so travel sick and need to pee every five minutes, and the only way to make me feel better is to literally eat the whole journey, so I request a pit stop at every petrol station on the way to get more food/diet coke/to pee. That teamed with a teething baby is just a road trip disaster waiting to happen. And that's what happened. We left at Jacobs naptime in the hope he'd sleep the whole way. Just over the halfway mark with about 40 miles to go, he wakes up absolutely screaming his head off, and growling, which is his new thing. So I get in the back, try feeding him, try giving him a drink, medicine, teetha granules. He was having none of it, just looking at me with his fingers in the back of his mouth, screaming. So having to pull over into one of those lay-bys on the motorway that are designed for lorry drivers wasn't my idea of fun. But there I was, marching up and down the motorway lay-by, bouncing Jacob up and down, singing Jo Jingles to him. And he was still screaming. Twenty minutes later, I decide that dancing in the rain wasn't working, and to be honest, the amount of people driving past looking at me like I'd lost my mind was starting to get annoying. "I've got a teething baby!!!!" 

Back in the car, with me in the back seat which does nothing for my travel sickness, trying to calm him down. I finally give in and turn to gadgets and the internet. And so we spent the rest of the journey watching Elsa from Frozen sing "Let It Go". Sixty million times. 

By the time we arrived to Rich's parents, I'd learnt all the words and had a pounding headache. The drive home was absolutely fine, except for the M11 being closed at our junction, which always makes a journey fun. We managed to avoid most of the disruption and get home just in time for Jacobs dinner.  

As nice as it was to see everyone, I'm not in a rush to do that journey again until all the little white pegs have made their appearance!

It's now 12.30am and part of me doesn't even see the point in going to sleep (I'm normally in bed by 9pm!) as I'm sure he will be awake as soon as I drift off! Clueless is on, and if I drank coffee, it would definitely be on the agenda for tonight. 

Thank god for Calpol!!! 

Enjoying a chocolate biscuit while watching Frozen, for the zillionth time at Grandma's house.

Ball play.

We go to soft play and Jo Jingles every Monday. Jo Jingles is a singing and movement class for 6 months to around 5 years. Jacob absolutely loves it and at home he will do the actions to Wind The Bobbin Up and a few other songs. However when we are there, he just sits there smiling like a lunatic, doesn't do any of the actions and then claps to the sleeping bunnies song, to which he's supposed to be quiet.

I absolutely love going and watching him clamber around the soft play and try to keep balance in the ball pit. And he loves to sit watching other kids. You would never ever think he was going through what he does. 

It's quite nerve wracking when other mums talk to Jacob or older kids look at him and talk to him as I just panic they're going to ask about his eye. Most people don't even notice, even my family have to ask which eye is artificial sometimes. (Although I don't know if they're just being polite!) The worst part is when you get chatting to other mums and they ask how old Jacob is, and when I say "13 months." I just know what's coming next... "Isn't he little!!!!" Most of the time I just laugh it off and say "yeah he's a little squirt." But sometimes I feel like screaming at them "YES HE IS! He's got bloody cancer, that's why he's small!" Sometimes I really have to bite my tongue. And I know no mums mean anything by it, I'm sure I've said it to someone else before. But when you have a child that you know will be slightly different to other children, (how many kids are going to be able to take their eye out to show their friends!?) you can't help but feel defensive. 

Sometimes it's easy to joke about it, like when he's going crazy and diving around in the ball pit, I joke and think what the staff would think when I ask them to empty the ball pit because my sons eye is in there somewhere. And as with everyone else, I'd either make them cry, or they'd just look ridiculously uncomfortable and oblige. Jacob just sits there smiling at the "head tilters" because he doesn't know or care less what anyone thinks of him. And that's the way I hope it stays.  

Ballpit beast.

Jo Jingling.

I really recommend Jo Jingles to anyone with kids under about 4. Go to their website to find a class near you. www.jojingles.com 

Another Wednesday, another hospital appointment.

We had another appointment at the Royal London hospital on Wednesday. It's always stressful as Jacob has to be put to sleep everytime which means he needs to be starved from the night before. This is the first time he wouldn't be having a nighttime feed as we finally managed to get him to drop it and sleep through the night! (WOOHOO!)

I was absolutely dreading this one, but it went so well. He was second down to theatre this time so he went down at what would have been his breakfast time had it been a normal day. This was around the 15th general anaesthetic he's had now. And although it's still truly hideous everytime I have to pin him so they can put the gas mask on him and then lay him down and give him a kiss before they wheel him off for an hour, it does slowly get easier. By no means do I mean it's easy to leave him, I still cry everytime, but it's just becoming such a regular part of ours and his life, that it's routine now. He has started to get smart and know the walk round to theatre, so starts climbing me like a crazed little chimp. But he went to sleep quite easily this time. Collecting him from recovery is always the same, panic and worry and waiting to hear how the tumours are responding in his left eye. I walked in on Wednesday and all four of the recovery nurses just looked at me with this terrifying look. To which I started to absolutely freak out and demand  to know what had happened. But it just turns out it was a trick they seemed to want to play on me. Everything was fine and my little man was still sleeping soundly. With all his monitors beeping away around him. 

He had had more laser treatment to his left eye, but this is also a regular thing now and Mr Sagoo is pleased with its progress. We were out of there by 12pm which is a rarity these days! Jacob just takes it all in his stride, which is so amazing to see, because I am always a wreck. Watching your one year old son go through this every other week is soul destroying. I don't think about it. I just go into auto pilot. You have to do it. It's not your life, it's his. And I am so grateful that he doesn't know what or why this is happening to him. He is truly my little hero. 

Just waiting to go down to theatre, all kitted out in his gown. 

Rocking his sunglasses on the way home. Got to protect that little precious eye from the bright lights! Dilating drops suck!